As far as dog shit pitching goes, Jeff Weaver is coming as close as you can get. And yes, I have the right to say this because I am an Angels fan and experienced exactly what Mariners fans are going through right now. In 2006, while getting paid over $8 million, Weaver went 3-10 with a 6.29 ERA in 16 starts, allowing opponents to hit .309 against him. Yes, .309, not a typo. Then he gets cut and picked up by the Cards where he became a World Series hero. So being this pitcher-shortened day in age, Jeff Weaver got signed to another one year deal, for a little over $8 million again. So let me break this down for you in simple chat room form: Jeff Weaver is getting paid multiple million dollars to get his head beat in. Witness his first four starts of the year:

1. 2 INN, 7 ER, 2 BB, 1 K, Mariners lose 14-3. Weaver 0-1, ERA 31.50
2. 6 INN, 7 ER, 1 BB, 3 Ks, Mariners lose 11-1. Weaver 0-2, ERA 15.75
3. 3 INN, 3 ER, 7 BB, 0 BB, 3 Ks, Mariners lose 6-1. Weaver 0-3, ERA 13.91
4. 0.1 INN, 6 ER, 1 BB, 0 K, Mariners lose 8-3. Weaver 0-4, ERA 18.26

Fuck it, Hargrove might as well just call in a forfeit ahead of time on Weaver’s turn in the rotation and spare his bullpen the work. Which brings me to … the when will Jeff Weaver get cut? Gentlemen…place your bets

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For only the second time in NBA history, the defending champion got swept out of the playoffs in the first round. Let me repeat, the Miami Heat got absolutely embarrassed in the first round. So for all the talking, gabbing, jabbering Miami did, it all got thrown back in their face splendidly.

To Mr. Riley, a man who is there to hog the spotlight as soon as it turns on, and is quick to run away as soon as it shuts off, how about a nice shit burger in your face. To the Heat front office, who so desperately had Dwayne Wade return from a serious injury in order to try and make a run, you got smacked. And to Shaq who said repeat, you got cracked.

The Miami Heat did not just lose, they lost spectacularly. They got swept. Couldn’t even manage a stinking game. In Game 4, Dwyane Wade turned the ball over more by himself than the entire Bulls team did. Zo said they weren’t worried when they were down 2-0, afterall, it’s the same spot they were in against Dallas in the finals last year. Yeah, how’d that work out for ya huh? All the fans down in South Beach showing up for the White Out at AAA, have a fun time?

Let me just say this now: the Heat reign atop the Eastern Conference is over. Short lived. Plenty of credit for winning it all last year, but some serious retooling is needed for the future. Won’t be long before Shaq and Riley are gone. What happens next? Looks to me like time has passed you by.

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Being from California, I often associate with many Bay Area sports fans — they just kind of make their way to So. Cal, be it for work, school, or pleasure. In fact, I have several friends and acquaintances who are Bay Area sports fans. And I typically enjoy many a good laugh and conversation with said fans. But to tell you the truth, out of all the Nor Cal sports fans I know, only one of them is a Warriors fan. That’s right, I could name at least 10 Giants and Niners fans off the top of my head, even a few Sharks fans, and several Sacto Kings fans, but my frat bro Mike is the only Warriors fan I know of.

So what the heck is up with all the action at the Oracle Arena? What’s up with the frenzy, the excitement? The Warriors are a second thought. An afterthought. Matter of fact, the Warriors aren’t even thought of up North. Nobody in the Bay Area cares about them. All that matters are the Giants and Niners, or Raiders and A’s. Nobody there gives a rats ass about the Warriors.

So that’s why I can’t roll with what I see in Nor Cal. The reports were that a franchise record of 20,672 showed up hootin’ and hollerin’ in support of Golden State on Sunday night. To be honest, it seemed like 50,000 watching on TV — they were nuts! They looked like some of the best fans I had ever seen. EVER. For an NBA game at least.

Everyone was wearing Warriors colors, standing, yelling, getting freakin’ crunked. They were some crazy fans last night. But where did they all come from? Did they get the Golden State game confused with a Barry Bonds at-bat? Were they lost? I know, I know. Maybe they thought they were cheering the Niners acquisition of Darrell Jackson, that has to be it.

Oh no? They weren’t? Seriously? They were there for the Warriors game?

Huh. Coulda fooled me. Well, guess you better get your looks in now, cause I know you won’t be back next year.

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As the draft weekend comes to a close, you might be concerned with a few things. Namely, how did Brady Quinn fall to the 22nd pick? And how much will the slide cost him financially?

Such issues are all well and good, but these are not the matters that concern one Larry Brown.

What I want to get to the bottom of, is who was that blond consoling the heartbroken Brady all day long? Well, the legendary Michael David Smith of FanHouse and Football Outsiders fame informs us that the broad is Quinn’s girlfriend, Miami of Ohio soccer player, Lindy Slinger.

And apparently, as Quinn told Fox Sports Radio, their relationship is pretty serious:

I’ve been in a long-term relationship now for a good amount of time. I really don’t look anywhere else. She’s definitely a girl who I look to be with in the future, here sometime in the next couple years. She’s a great girl — I’ve been fortunate to find her at such a young age.

So there you go, Jeff Garcia gets Carmella DeCesare, Tom Brady’s banging Giselle, and Brady Quinn has … Lindy Slinger. And all I have to say is … I know I’ve done better (Jaeger is a powerful tool my friends).

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Because the Patriots have already won it all!!!! Why even bother playing the thing? We should just give them a bye to the Super Bowl. Screw it. Hand ‘em the Lombardi Trophy right now. Tom Brady, MVP. It’s over. It is OVA!

Are you serious? Did they really just get Randy Moss? Did they add him to the already outstanding mix? They were already the Super Bowl favorites BEFORE the trade. Now? 16-0. Actually, 20-0. They will win every single game. Rather, they WILL NOT lose. They cannot lose. They are unstoppable.

Let’s see, best defense in the league, and now they just added the best wide receiver in the league. Actually, they just added the best wide receiver of all time (yes, this is something I’ve already documented on the site). Randy Moss to the Patriots? After they already scored Donte Stallworth and Wes Welker? Are you kidding me? How does that happen?

And on top of everything, Moss is taking a pay cut to make it all happen. And people say he’s a bad seed, pfft! Look, Randy Moss is not a cancer. Randy Moss is not a bad apple. Randy Moss is not T.O. He’s in a completely different category. He is harmless. He is still the most talented receiver in the game. And now that he’s taking a pay cut to escape the Black Hole in favor of New England, it also makes him the smartest receiver in the game.

Think about it — Brady has never had a playmaker to throw to — let alone two of them. Brady to Moss, touchdown! Brady to Stallworth, touchdown! Brady to Graham first down! Brady to Welker, first down! You catch my drift? I’m talking 2,000 yards and 20 touchdowns for Moss, 4,400 and 40 touchdowns for Brady. It’s over, OVA!

20-0, 20-0. Cancel the ‘07 season, because the Patriots have already won it.

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While the front office is busy figuring out the future personnel of the franchise, you can help determine the future of the club as well. How you ask? By naming their new mascot. Via Fark comes this story — the Steelers will be introducing a new mascot — a steelworker. Check out the sweet prize package you get if you win:

The Prize:
4 End Zone field level seats for the Steelers vs. Buffalo game (9/16/07 )
4 VIP Hospitality Tent passes
4 Pre-Game Field Passes
An Authentic Steelers 75th Anniversary game jersey and helmet
1 Parking Pass
1 year of Cricket Wireless Unlimited Phone Service with One MotoKrzr phone
One Blue Tooth wireless headset
One Car Charger
One carrying case

That’s some tight swag. Now…what should we call the dude? My creative juices (not that I had any to begin with) aren’t working. Any suggestions?

Check out other Pittsburgh stories, Jack Wilson reps donuts, and the Pittsburgh Pirates movie.

You might also enjoy dancing mascots.

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