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The Shoddiest 2011 MLB Preview Ever

In honor of the coming baseball season, as well as the growing number of news sources and the subsequent collective shrinking of attention spans, here is the shortest and least informative 2011 Major League Baseball season preview you will find. Enjoy!

NL WEST

San Francisco Giants: Based on their years of experiences with Barry Bonds, the defending champions should not have much trouble with their heads getting too big. By the way, if you’re keeping score: Ernie Banks 0 World Series titles, Santiago Casilla, 1.

Colorado Rockies: Judging from his record before (15-1) and after (4-5) the All-Star break, they may want to stick Ubaldo Jimenez’s pitcher’s mitt in the humidor sometime around July, along with Todd Helton’s bloated contract.

LA Dodgers: The predicted settlement for Jamie McCourt includes the rights to Frank’s swimming pools, three monkey butlers, and custody of Travis Schlichting. I can’t wait until Vin Scully brings out the stories weaving a connection between Jackie Robinson and the vaunted Juan Uribe at second base.

San Diego Padres: Would it be irony if a team that plays in Petco Park became the chew-toy for the National League West?

Arizona Diamondbacks: In case you didn’t know, a diamondback is either a type of snake or something that strikes out with relative frequency.

NL CENTRAL

Cincinnati Reds: Makes sense. A team that once changed its name to the “Redlegs” during the McCarthy era to avoid any association with communism is now staking their hopes on Aroldis Chapman, a pitcher from Cuba.

Milwaukee Brewers: It may take Weeks, but this team has Hart and a pretty good Fielder, too. The odds may be long, but this could be the first team to win a World Series with three guys on the roster named Takashi, Yovani, and Zelous (no word on whether he’s overzealous about the fact).

St. Louis Cardinals: If Albert Pujols plays the Cards right, he will be given $300 million, a key to the city, and his own Hardee’s franchise at season’s end.

Chicago Cubs: Team founded in 1870, won last World Series shortly thereafter. Oh yeah, and something about a goat and Bartman. That’s about it.

Houston Astros: A team that once played in a baseball stadium sponsored by Enron and finished 14 games under .500 a season ago has set lofty standards for itself. Get your tickets, Bud Norris is coming to a ballpark near you.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Baseball began contracting teams 15 years ago. Apparently the folks in the Steel City didn’t get the memo.

NL EAST

Philadelphia Phillies: One of the most dominant starting rotations ever. I haven’t seen this many aces wearing the same suit since the last time I cheated at stud poker.

Atlanta Braves: Dan Uggla? Not a bad turn card (especially when considering that they gave up Omar Infante and a pitcher drafted 999th to get him).

New York Mets: Still with the poker analogy? Just consider them a flop. That is, unless you can count Boof Bonser in for 20 wins.

Florida Marlins: Go fish.

Washington Nationals: $126 million for Jayson Werth (career .272)? What happened to those cheesy political commercials where Senate elect Joe Schmo promises to rein in overspending by those fat cats in Washington?

AL WEST

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Someone should notify Kendrys Morales that adding a letter to his name won’t confuse people as to whether he was the guy who suffered a season-ending injury while celebrating a home run. (For instance, Bill Gramática apparently changed his name to “retired” and hasn’t been heard from since his celebratory knee ligament tear.)

Texas Rangers of Arlington in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex: Don’t mess with Texas. Unless you play them in the World Series. Walker would never have let this happen, nor would he have been happy to DH, like Michael Young.

Oakland Athletics of San Francisco Bay: Some pretty good young pitchers, but the most intriguing storyline of 2011 is who will play David DeJesus in the Broadway adaptation of Moneyball?

Seattle Mariners of Obscurity: If this team is owned by Nintendo, can’t the company just figure out some kind of cheat code to enter so that Chone Figgins can hit better than .200 and Doug Fister have a 60-win season?

AL CENTRAL

Minnesota Twins: Sure they may find a way to win the division again, but a team whose ballpark is sponsored by Target needs to be more interesting to take in than a discounted Celine Dion CD.

Chicago White Sox: Ozzie Guillen, Harold Baines, and Joey Cora are all COACHES on the team. Omar Vizquel obviously doesn’t follow trends (or clues).

Detroit Tigers: If only the Tigs could resist becoming also-rans as earnestly as Miguel Cabrera resisted arrest.

Cleveland Indians: 69-93 or fight!

Kansas City Royals: The word “rebuilding” loses its meaning after about 5,000 times of usage. Can’t wait until they unload Mike Moustakas for some solid prospects.

AL EAST

Boston Red Sox: Must not be a good time to be Yamaico Navarro. His chances of making the opening-day roster declined thanks to a couple of guys named Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford.

New York Yankees: Ruth… Gehrig… Dimaggio… Mantle… Iván Nova…

Tampa Bay Rays: They may consider adding “Devil” back into the nickname now that Manny Ramirez is the new sheriff in Tampa. Task number one for Joe Maddon: Make sure no throws from the bullpen are cutoff by Manny. (Note that “Mannywood” has gone from the designation of part of the seating area in a stadium to an actual term for a medical condition afflicting senior citizens in the St. Petersburg metro area).

Toronto Blue Jays: Wikipedia beat me to it. Under “October” on the 2010 Blue Jays page, it reads: “This section is empty. You can help by adding to it.” Great, now they want me to do Alex Anthopolous’ job for him, too. Like the expression goes, a bird in the hand is worth 85 wins and 4th place in the AL East.

Baltimore Orioles: I hear the crab legs are pretty good in Baltimore. The Orioles? They usually fly south for the summer.



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