Jim Edmonds Is Hosting a Pole Dancing Party, Still Unsigned

What do you do when you’re 38, rich, beloved in a city, and unemployed? Well, you do what any other man would do — you host a stripper pole dancing party! That’s what Jim Edmonds is up to, as Deadspin notified us. Check out this flyer:

And if you’re in the ‘Lou, just tell them LBS sent you and you’ll get a 50% discount at the door, and a spot as a guest judge along with Jimmy E. Maybe we should send Allie Gator over there too so she can take first prize and give us a cut. Edmonds: batting .235 on the field, batting 1.000 off of it.

Darryl Strawberry: Voice of Reason

It’s too bad I wasn’t unleashed on this Earth until Straw’s rookie season because from what I’ve been told, he was a pretty darn good ballplayer. By the time I began to understand anything about anything, Strawberry was just a coked-out flame-out the Dodgers were trying to resurrect (ditto the Yankees later on). Anyway, Darryl Strawberry’s moved on to do what every forgotten star does when they’re hard up on cash (and I don’t mean sell a spare kidney) — he’s written a tell-all book soon to drop. Straw was also a guest instructor at Yankees spring training and offered these words of wisdom about steroids:

“Hell yeah I would have used them,” Strawberry said. “Are you kidding me? I mean, c’mon. Some things are part of what athletes go through and they happen …We’re competitive creatures, and we have tremendous drive, a high tolerance, all these things. I’m not saying that it was the right thing to do. But if that was going on in the 80s, that probably would have been in my system too.”

Glad to know that Straw’s still a heavy proponent of drug use. Actually, it’s even better to know that he’s out there at Yankee spring training and still alive. Between the colon cancer, the kidney surgery, the lymph node cancer, and god knows what else he’s put in his body, it’s a miracle he’s still well. Those Steinbrenners sure are a loyal bunch. Let’s just hope he’s not advising the Yankees to do what he said in that quote.

Attention Rays and Cubs: Curt Schilling Might be Willing to be Your Savior

For a guy who hasn’t pitched in over a year, Curt Schilling still manages to keep his name in the news like Britney Spears making a comeback album. Perhaps it’s because he keeps his own blog — 38 Pitches — and because he would have an opinion on the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners if you asked him for one. Oh yeah, and the guy would also like to remind you that he still is a pitcher in his spare time. In fact, as Deadspin pointed out, Schilling offered up his services to a few teams:

I have said to no one, including myself, that I am definitely coming back, because it’s not true. However if I did, the Cubs, and Tampa, were they to need a starting pitcher for the 2nd half of the season and into October, would be 2 situations I’d be very interested in.

So I’ll be clear here. If I do feel I can be better than I was in 2007, and I do decide to come back, AND either of those teams is in the market for a starting pitcher (because lets face it, both teams have what could be outstanding rotations) I would DEFINITELY be interested in both. The Cubs present as much of a cool challenge for me as the Red Sox did in 04, and Tampa has a roster of guys I’d love to play with.

Schilling also pointed out that the teams mentioned above were not an all-inclusive list, specifically saying that the Red Sox were a possibility, but it happens that they’re already pretty stacked. Now I know a lot of people are pretty sick of Curt Schilling, but I’ll actually defend the guy by saying he’s been such a clutch pitcher this decade that he’s earned the right to have this much attention. I don’t see the storybook ending unfolding where Schilling returns from an arm that basically fell off to lead the Cubs to their first W.S. title in like 100 years, but I would like to see him pitching for someone in October. And yes, that means I’d take him on the Angels in two seconds if he’s interested.

Red Sox Owner John Henry Calls for a Salary Cap; MLB Needs One

Makes you wonder, if the Red Sox were in the A.L. Central, would they be saying the same thing? Surely the Yankees obscene offseason shopping spree prompted these comments from John Henry, but he’s not the first owner to mention the possibility of a salary cap this winter — Mark Attanasio of the Brewers suggest one as well. I know we’re living in a free economic system, but the NBA has the luxury tax and cap, the NFL has a cap, and so does the NHL. The competitive balance in the latter two sports is fantastic (in the NBA it’s harder to achieve because it’s so easy for the top players to dominate the game). Not to say that small-market teams can’t compete in MLB, but there would be a much better playing field if the Indians or Brewers were able to retain C.C. Sabathia instead of seeing him go to New York. Even the Angels — one of the strongest teams in the league financially — couldn’t keep up with the Yankees’ contract offer to Mark Teixeira.

Don’t get me wrong, small-market/low payroll teams are able to shine under the current system, but they do it through a series of shrewder moves like great trades and excellent drafting. Heck, a man’s entire reputation was based on this. But if you ask all front offices, including the Twins, Marlins, and A’s — three teams that have performed admirably given their circumstances — I’m sure even they would all prefer a cap that would help build competitive balance. Now the other side of the argument, beyond the simple free economy idea, is that the Yankees and other teams pay a luxury tax and contribute a generous portion to revenue sharing. Isn’t that already a cap? Well, when they’re out spending damn near a half billion dollars in a recession, my answer would be no. All the free agents in the world won’t buy them a championship, but it gives them an improved shot at one. And count me as someone in favor of competitive balance — that’s what I’d really love to see.

David Ortiz, Ozzie Guillen Are on the Right Track with One-Year Bans

I used to be one of the biggest baseball fans around. This year, things will change. I’m tired of the steroids issue tainting the game and obscuring my enjoyment of it. I’ve had enough of seeing guys like J.C. Romero, Rafael Betancourt, and Guillermo Mota get busted and come back like nothing happened. I’d like to watch the game without having doubts or second thoughts about the legitimacy of player’s performances. To achieve this peace of mind, harsher penalties for banned substance violators should be put in place. To that end, both Ozzie Guillen and David Ortiz took a stand. Guillen says a one-year ban should be in place for first-time violators rather than just 50 games, and David Ortiz expounded up on that thought:

“Ban ‘em for the whole year. I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody. You go team by team. You test everybody three, four times a year and that’s about it. I think you clean up the game by the testing. I know that if I test positive by using any kind of substance, I know that I’m going to disrespect my family, the game, the fans and everybody, and I don’t want to be facing that situation. So what would I do? I won’t use it, and I’m pretty sure that everybody is on the same page. I just want to go out there and make sure that people are not looking at you like, oh, look at this guy. He’s big now. What’s going on?”

Amen. Thank you, Big Papi. Now this is what I’ve been waiting for. What’s so hard about players telling the Union that they want harsher penalties and testing so they can prove their legitamacy? Now it’s on MLB and the union to amend the CBA to make this happen. Ortiz wants it, Ozzie wants it, and I want it. They need to make a bold move to save the game, and this is the one to make. Only difference is I’d like two years for first-time violators. Boy, would that send a message. Best of all, it still wouldn’t prevent creeps like Gene Orza from tipping off the superstars that tests were coming!

Russell Martin’s Kama Sutra a Hazard to His Health

Russell Martin always struck me as such a serious guy. Simply said, the dude’s a gamer. So much so that he’s played over 150 games each of the past two seasons even though he’s a catcher — a position that typically requires more rest. He always has his game face on and really doesn’t mess around. That’s why his response to questions from reporters at spring training was so funny. Check it:

When reporters asked him at one point what caused some slight discomfort he is feeling in his left foot – he underwent an MRI on Friday that came back negative – Martin joked that he might have hurt himself in the bedroom, which would have made for an interesting addition to the LBS list of weird injuries.

“Kama Sutra Position 68,” he said.

In fact, the injury is believed to have resulted from nothing more than an awkward step Martin took while walking.

Martin may have totally been joking about how the injury occurred and he may have been messing around with the writers, but you know he’s doing some of that funky stuff if he brought it up. I mean nobody brings up kama sutra out of the blue unless a good reasons prompts it. Either he’s been having some fun lately (hello Alyssa Milano!) or he and the pitchers have been enjoying some interesting reading materials in the clubhouse. Oh, and I would show a picture of position 68, but it’s only one digit away from 69, so I’m sure you get the idea.

Roberto Alomar’s ex-Girlfriend Says He Has AIDS, Had Unprotected Sex

UPDATE: This story would contradict the allegations

Talk about a serious shocker, it was really hard to digest this story when I first came across it. Nobody’s really heard anything about Roberto Alomar for a handful of years since he stopped playing. The Hall of Fame candidate seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. Maybe it’s because of all the serious health issues through which he was going. In fact, his ex-girlfriend Ilya Dall is suing him for $15 million saying Alomar talked her into having unprotected sex while being infected with AIDS. The whole story is quite a mess. The lawsuit also alleges that Alomar disclosed to her that he was raped when he was 17. I’m not sure if that has to do with the AIDS or not but it seems entirely possible. Now the allegations about his deteriorating health condition, yikes!

Dall said Alomar finally got tested in January 2006 while suffering from a cough, fatigue and shingles. “The test results of him being HIV-positive was given to him and the plaintiff on or about Feb.6, 2006.”

Nine days later, the couple went to see a disease specialist who discovered a mass in the retired second baseman’s chest, the court papers say.

Alomar’s skin had turned purple, he was foaming at the mouth and a spinal tap “showed he had full-blown AIDS

As opposed to full-blown AIDS’ cousins, commonly known as half-blown AIDS, or an eighth-blown AIDS, apparently. Now here’s what I’m wondering: if this chick Dall had seen his deteriorating health, why the eff would she have unprotected sex with him, period, let alone sex to begin with? Wasn’t she just asking for trouble at that point? How did it take a positive test for her to finally stop the sex? Or was that part of the plan to cash in? I am really blown away by this story and am having a hard time digesting it all. I never liked Alomar at any point in his career but it would be terribly sad if he really did have AIDS and was in denial about it the whole time, not to mention having sex with someone else unprotected.