Gil, Come to the Clippers, Part II

Aside from being a source of great humor, Gilbert’s blog has actually provided some newsworthy content recently. For one, it helped him clarify the story that he was going to opt out of his current contract with the Wizards. Now, it’s allowed him to explain another report about where he’d like to play. And I’m pleased to say that coming to LA is high on Gilbert’s list:

When I told Complex.com that the L.A., San Antonio, Dallas and Houston would be cities that I would like to play in if I opt out, they all come after D.C. If something did happen weird where Antawn left and we lost our team and it wasn’t a good situation for me to come back, those are the four cities that I would want to play in.

I would want to go back home and play in L.A. I would want to go to San Antonio because they’re a championship-caliber team — same thing with Dallas. Houston is on the come-up with Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady. Three out of the four are contenders right now. That was my reasoning.

You never know, but the four teams I mentioned have a solid base. If anything happens with the Wizards, that’s my Plan B.

There was a time when wanting to come to play in LA also fell into the same category as going to a contender. Funny how things work. One thing I think Gil is missing is that most of the teams he mentioned probably couldn’t afford to take him on with the salary cap. Just a thought. But it sure would be nice to see Gilbert back in LA (sorry Wizards fans).

Jason Caffey: Father of Eight Children to Seven Women

Whenever you have one of those discussions with a friend regarding player salaries, it’s always wise to walk in armed with some examples. For instance, my bread-and-butter overpaid baseball contract is always the Rangers dishing $65 million for 22 wins from Chan Ho Park. Trumps every case. After that, I always come strong with my Jason Caffey signing by the Warriors for $35 million in ’99 (Caffey averaged 7 points and 4 boards a game during his career). Sure, it’s a bit outdated, but it always comes through in the clutch. Well, looks like Caffey might actually have another use for me. He now will happily reside in the Travis Henry/Shawn Kemp discussion.

As I have come to learn, Jason Caffey has fathered eight children from seven different women. That’s not quite up to Henry’s standards, who has nine over eight, but nonetheless, quite impressive. Caffey had to recently file for bankruptcy to get some of those credit collectors of his back because he can no longer afford to pay all the bills. Some of the women are quick to point out that Caffey was a good father and paid up when he was in the league, but getting bounced from the Association before his contract ended, he didn’t make all the cash on his deal. Even if that’s the case, I have no sympathy for the man. Bottom line: Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.

And it looks like 100% Injury Rate might have to update that list.

(via Ballhype)

Jason Kidd Has Serious Handles

The dude’s a walking triple-double, but you already knew that. Mad handles, great defense, outstanding rebounder — he can turn your squad into an instant playoff team with his talents. One more thing about Kidd. I’ll bet you had no idea about his handles off the court as well, allegedly. Some wannabe model chick is claiming Kidd groped her at a club. From the report:

The woman told cops New Jersey Nets guard Jason Kidd groped her crotch at a Manhattan club on Oct. 10 and then grabbed her a second time when she complained, a police source said.

The complaint says Kidd was partying at club Tenjune on Little West 12th St. when he walked up to the woman and grabbed her crotch at about 2:30 a.m., a police source said.

The woman said she and Kidd got into an argument and he grabbed her a second time, the source said. Bouncers broke up the spat. Kidd was not ejected from the club, the source said.

Well sheed, if you can’t grab a woman’s privates in a club, what the hell can you do these days? I mean seriously, what do they expect when they serve Bacardi 151 at bars? I’m with Kidd on this one, even if it didn’t happen. Chick’s probably just pissed off because she’s a she-male and he wound up getting a handful of the double-bubble, busting her cover. Come on, like hands have never been down there before? What’s the big deal?
(via Fark)

KG’s Words Are Not for Ray Allen’s Virgin Ears

Now, had Ray Allen known that Kevin Garnett was going to start cussing up a storm like a pedophile caught with his wanger in a kiddie trap, he might not have welcomed a trade to Boston. Site contributer Chris, who last presented us with Smush Parker’s rap song, informs me that Ray Allen is none too pleased with KG’s choice of verbiage recently. From the St. Paul Pioneer Press:

Word in Boston is that the Celtics’ Ray Allen was taken aback by some uncouth language used by Kevin Garnett during a practice, and he let the former Timberwolves star know about it.

Wait a tic, someone explain to me how playing with Robert Swift isn’t considered offensive, but foul language is. My question: Exactly what kind of language could KG have possibly used that offended Ray so? Is it because they were in Europe and close to the Vatican? Did Ray get struck by a new religious movement? Perhaps he’s seen the light! Can I get an amen to that? Amen!

Grandmas Love Gilbert

Really, this is quite a long tale, so I advise you to check it out in full. Apparently some fan went to a Wizards game and caught Gilbert’s eye by pulling out a Halo video game box. He gestured to Gilbert using a writing motion, so as to ask Gilbert to sign the game. Gilbert then apparently summoned a towel boy to locate the fan and bring him the video game (while the game was going on, mind you), along with another surprise gift. And we’ll pick up the rest of the story (Jimmy is the fan’s name):

So, like a kid trying to avoid getting caught with a Sports Illustrated during physics class, Gil turned his body to shield the Halo box from assistant coach Randy Ayers (who was sitting next to Arenas), and signed the box.

Then Arenas pulled out the surprise gift — a massive pair of granny panties, size 10x. Upon which Jimmy had written, “My grandma loves Gilbert Arenas.” Except he drew a heart instead of writing “loves.” Jimmy even took the time to color the heart bright red.

Arenas was puzzled. As play continued on the court, he forgot about assistant coach Randy Ayers sitting right next to him. He frowned at Jimmy. Jimmy gestured that the panties were for Arenas.

About this time, the rest of the Wizards players sitting on the bench noticed Gilbert holding up ginormous granny panties. Which Gilbert happily passed around to the rest of the team – let no one say the man is selfish. While play carried on, they laughed uproariously. Somehow, the coaches seemed not to notice.

I love how Gilbert sent the Halo box back to the fan, but kept the granny panties for himself. What a character. And if the Wizards want to reach out to an elderly fan base, now they have a perfect slogan: “Grandmas Love Gilbert.” I don’t even care if this story isn’t true — it’s freaking hilarious!

(thanks to Matt W. for the tip)

UPDATE: Gil confirmed the story on his blog.

Other Great Gilbert Stories:
Gilbert Comes to Barry Bonds’ Rescue*
I’d Drop 84-85 points on Duke
Gilbert Takes on DeShawn Stevenson in a 3pt Competition
Gilbert Predicts 50 points Game Against the Blazers
Gilbert Fires Back at the Media

No Babies for Longoria and Parker

I love it when employees are told what to do. For instance, you work at Disneyland, you can’t have facial hair; you play for Davey Johnson, you can’t wear jewelry; you work for the Knicks, you’re forced to copulate with Stephon Marbury. Well, keeping in that vain, looks like T. Parker will have to stay true to his Durex for the next year or so. From The Mirror, via Ben Maller:

If newly-wed Eva Longoria was hoping to start a family straightaway, she hadn’t reckoned on the bizarre interference of her Desperate Housewives boss.

The show’s creator Marc Cherry has slapped a sensational baby ban on Eva and her husband, French basketball star Tony Parker.

It means the couple, who got married in July, will have to wait at least a year before they can get down to the serious business of making babies.

I love that. Popovich tells his players not to get drunk and chase tail on the road, they’ll tell him to eff off. TV execs tell Longoria not to get pregnant, and Parker must oblige. Funny the way the world works. I suppose this can only be good for Tony’s career — at least he won’t have to worry about changing diapers any time soon.

Joakim Screws Up Krispy Kreme Duty

First we had Joakim Noah singing off key as part of a rookie hazing stunt, which wasn’t the least bit surprising given his dancing style. Now we’re finding out that the rookie not only can’t sing, can’t dance, but that he also can’t follow directions:

[Ben] Gordon said he took Joakim Noah’s per diem for failing his rookie responsibilities and bringing Dunkin’ Donuts to practice and not Krispy Kreme.

The former company sponsors the ever-popular scoreboard race after the third quarter of home games, which made Gordon backtrack laughingly.

“Dunkin’ Donuts are very good,” he said. “It’s just the majority prefer Krispy Kreme. It’s not even about the taste. Krispy Kreme is farther away to give the rookies more trouble.”

It’s OK, Ben. We don’t blame you guys for preferring Krispy Kreme based on taste — everyone knows it’s better. Thing I always wondered was why athletes who get paid to be in tip-top physical shape are eating those deep fried treats. Shouldn’t they have rookies go on runs to GNC for protein shakes? Or better yet, why not just have them dress up like baseball rookies?

(via Ben Maller, of course)