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Tank Johnson’s Man of the Year Campaign Going Strong

Remember when Tank met with Commissioner Goodell to be punished for all his misbehavior during the NFL season? Johnson ended up being suspended for eight games, with the possibility of the sentence being cut to six games for good behavior. Prior to the meeting with Goodell, Johnson announced his intentions of turning his life around, proclaiming he wanted to be named the NFL’s Man of the Year. As commenter JS points out to me, Tank Johnson got his campaign off on the right start:

Gilbert, Ariz., police pulled Johnson over at 3:30 a.m. Friday and cited him for “being impaired to the slightest degree,” according to Sgt. Andrew Duncan, a police spokesman. Police initially stopped Johnson for going 40 m.p.h. in a 25 m.p.h. zone when the officer on the scene “made observations that led him to believe Johnson was impaired,” according to Duncan.

Johnson was taken to the Gilbert Police station where blood was drawn to determine his blood-alcohol content. Results of those tests aren’t expected for up to two weeks, Duncan said. In Arizona, the legal limit for being under the influence is having a blood-alcohol content of .08.

Why do I have to say this comes as no shock to me? I pity the fool who was duped by Tank’s sincere speech. Let’s hope for his sake his test doesn’t come out higher than .08. Or that he pays off the proper person at the least.

Down Goes OJ, Down Goes OJ!

It didn’t take me writing this for you to know that the Juice was a disgusting crook, but I’m still going to mention it because it’s an extra detail. This guy is sick. Very sick. Remember a while back when he was about to release a book and appear in a TV show titled, “If I Did it?” Yeah, he was going to rub it in the faces of his single-parent children and explain to the world how he would’ve killed his wife if he had done it. Well now it looks like he was hiding the profits of that book to keep them from going to the Goldman family.

Former American football star O.J. SIMPSON has been found guilty of hiding profits from his controversial book IF I DID IT in a shell company.
Judge Jay Cristol ruled on Friday (15Jun07) that bankrupt business Lorraine Brooke Associates, run by Simpson’s daughter Arnelle, was used to conceal profits from the family of Ron Goldman, which is trying to collect a wrongful death civil judgment of $33.5 million (£16.75 million) from the star.

Like father like daughter, I guess. I was wondering who would actually contribute to such a business venture, but now I know. This is a good sign my friends, good sign. And hot damn, he owes the family $33.5 million? That’s a lot. If I had known where the proceeds were going, maybe I would’ve made a donation.

Chest Bump to Ben Maller

Ranking the Cincinnati Bengals Arrests

They’ve had so many of them I just figured it was about time to have a little fun with their arrests. Without further ado, here’s a list of the Bengals’ finest, from best to worst.

  1. Chris Henry (June 14th, ’06) – providing alcohol to three underaged females, but did he score?
  2. Chris Henry (Jan. 28th, ’06) – possession of a concealed firearm, improper exhibition of firearm, aggravated assault with firearm, that’s a lot of firearm action
  3. A.J. Nicholson (June 3rd, ’06) – burglary, vandalism, grant theft, *bonus points for stealing electronics from a teammate, that’s not easy
  4. Frostee Rucker (June 21st, ’06) – vandalism, spousal battery, just don’t beat up that blackberry
  5. Reggie McNeal (Dec. 3rd, ’06) – resisting arrest and drug possession, always fun to catch the cops with an elbow to the chest
  6. Eric Steinbach (Aug. 5th, ’06) – boating under the influence, admit it, you didn’t even know that counted
  7. A.J. Nicholson (May 18th, ’06) – domestic violence, he restarted the streak after they had gone four months in between arrests
  8. Chris Henry (June 3rd, ’06) – DUI, 0.092, I’d blow that from a sip of Manischweitz
  9. Odell Thurman (Sept. 25th, ’06) – drunken driving, a 0.18, but he was more sober than Chris Henry or Reggie McNeal, so it’s all good
  10. Deltha O’Neal (Dec. 9th, ’06) – DWI, come on a 0.10 shouldn’t even count
  11. Matthias Askew (July 22nd, ’06) – disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, failure to comply with police officer’s order, obstructing justice, kinda boring
  12. Chris Henry (Dec. 15 ’05) – weed possession, just kids being kids
  13. Quincy Wilson (June 17, ’07) – disorderly conduct, kind of weak, but cool that the bride and groom were arrested too

That Must Have Been a Fun Wedding

It kind of slipped under the radar that the Bengals had another player arrested over the weekend, probably for a few reasons. For one, he’s hardly known. On a similar note, he’s only a practice squad guy. But perhaps most importantly, he’s a West Virginia player. Just like Pacman. Just like Chris Henry. So without further ado…

Running back Quincy Wilson was arrested early Sunday morning outside a bar in Huntington, W.Va., and friends said he was attending a wedding party at the bar when police asked several people to leave the area.

Wilson, the bride and the groom were among those arrested.

All I want to know is why I’m never invited to fun weddings like that. What did I do wrong? Why do I have to miss out on all the fun? I’m never around for the good stuff, damn.

Byron Houston Really Likes Jacking it

This has to be one of the best stories I’ve come across in quite some time. Inspired by Eddie Griffin, former Oklahoma State basketball star and four-year NBA veteran, Byron Houston, decided the middle of the intersection would be the perfect place to fulfill his manly needs.

A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver’s seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard, and the woman positively identified him, Knight said.

Houston was arrested on counts of indecent exposure, engaging in a lewd act and driving with a canceled license. He was held at the Oklahoma County Jail on $4,000 bond. The district attorney’s office had not filed charges Thursday.

Worst part of the story possibly, is that Houston has a history of indecent exposure. Apparently he pleaded guilty to three counts of it in 2003, and he’s also a registered petter-asser. Nicely done Byron, nicely done.

Scottie Pippen, Ruining Farmers Lives

This guy must be really hard-up for some cash. Remember all the talk this year about him making a comeback to the NBA? It was because the guy’s bankrupt. Upon announcing his plans to return to the league, creditors were lining up to collect from him like he was Worm leaving prison. As recently as 2005, he was negligent on paying legal fees. Obviously, Pippen has really been struggling. And get this, it looks like it’s led him to grabbing farm subsidies by the government, taking them away from real farmers:

Some of America’s rich and famous are padding their bank accounts with government money meant for working farmers.

NBA superstar Scottie Pippen got $289,000. Late Night host David Letterman got $8,000, but gave it to charity. Even the estate of the legendary penny pinching comedian Jack Benny got a bigger piece of the government pie than sheep farmer Leo Tammi.

Nearly two million farmers don’t get a penny, but one farmers’ group says the subsidies are vital.

That’s real sweet of you Scottie. Taking money away from farmers who need it. But I guess you do too. Why don’t you just lob a phone call to MJ asking for a few bones? Maybe he can hook you up with proceeds from the sales of a few jumpsuits or something. Let this also serve as a reminder to all you fans out there. Whenever you hear about an athlete making a comeback, your first instinct should be that the guy’s broke. Rodman, Tyson, Pippen — it’s all the same thing for these guys. Just something to keep in mind.

(thanks to the lovely Farkers for the story)

Football Coach Wayne Kuklinski Is a Petter-Asser

There are some people whose faces just scream the words “child molester.” Brad Pitt is not one of those. Former Lake Zurich High School head football coach Wayne Kuklinski is. Check out his mug. Not surprisingly, the guy’s heading to the clink for eight days and two years of probation. For some pretty disgusting crap I have to say.

Kuklinski was charged with 30 counts of possessing child pornography, one count of distributing child pornography, and three counts of possessing weapons with no valid registration. He was arrested Dec. 19 after being trapped in an Internet sting operation. Each pornography count carried a potential sentence of up to five years in prison upon conviction, but was also probationable.

Kuklinski contacted a person he thought was a 15-year-old girl but was actually Detective Sean Gallagher of the Highland Park Police Department. Kuklinski e-mailed the “girl” a graphic of a man’s genitals that he had claimed was of him, but was in fact a downloaded image of someone else, according to Fix, chief of felony trial division of the Lake County State’s Attorney’s Office. Kuklilnski also arranged to meet the “girl” on Oct. 31 but did not appear.

A search was conducted of his home and two computers in the 34000 block of North Fischer Drive. Fix said 30 images of child pornography were found, depicting children as young as infants engaging in sexual acts, including sexual penetration and bondage. Also found was evidence of solicited chats with 12- to 17-year-old children.

OK now. Let me just ask this — where does one come upon images of infants engaging in sexual acts? And what 59-year-old is turned on by such disgusting crap? And let me ask this as well: which is worse, trying to hook up with a 15-year-old, or sending her a pic of someone else’s johnson cuz you were too embarrassed to send your own? Tough calls. Just think, this dude was in charge hundreds of teenage boys after school every day. And he was trying to steal their girlfriends too.