ESPYs Promoting Sober-Driving

One of the absolutely coolest things about attending events like the Oscars and the ESPYs are the gift bags you get as party favors. I mean these things are serious fun bags, like more so than Salma Hayek’s. One of my co-workers made it known today that the Oscars gift bag is valued at a minimum of $50,000. That’s freaking crazy. How is that possible, you ask? Well, just take a look inside the ESPYs VIP gift bag, which by my loose count exceeds $10k with ease. Awful Announcing did some great leg work in bringing the ESPYs VIP bag to my attention and it was the second item on the list that caught my eye more than all. Ready for this one? The ESPYs are providing all VIP guests a premium breathalyzer from AlcoMate. Nice. Let’s just hope they gave a few extras to Carmelo Anthony, Brandon Marshall, and Tony La Russa.

Oddly enough, one of the other gifts is six bottles of Zaca Mesa wine. A bit of a mixed message, no? But did you see some of those gifts? My favorite might be the one from Chipotle where you can get a free burrito a week for a year. Cosmo Kramer is all about it, no doubt. Some of the other posh gifts include a free membership for a year to one of the four Sports Club locations. To the best of my knowledge, membership to the LA Sports Club is several thousand dollars (like 10) a year. That’s where A-Rod lifted while he was in town and where he goes in NYC. Honestly though, just what a bunch of athletes pulling down $5 million a year need — giftcards to Subway. Please.

David Ortiz Rolls with Captain Morgan

I’ve said it before, some pictures are worth a thousand words. This would be one of them.

Somehow I don’t think this would be funny if it were any other player, but being Big Papi, it all of a sudden becomes funny. Of course I could be overstating things, but he just cracks me up. Anyone else catch the way he has his leg kicked up to imitate Captain Mo? And in case you were wondering, that’s Maria Menounos on the left. She’s like Jacoby Ellsbury — definitely overhyped, but good enough to play a key role on the team. Nice to see Papi’s recovering well from his wrist injury, too.

(pic courtesy Marion Curtis/Startraks)

Jose Canseco Knocked Out in Fight with Vai Sikahema

OK, so I know I was clamoring for a Jose Canseco/Curt Schilling boxing match, but instead we had to settle for Canseco getting his ass knocked out by Vai Sikahema. The two fought in Atlantic City after Sikahema accepted the challenge — Canseco had been offering 5 grand for someone to fight him. The 5,000 capacity stands were only about a quarter full according to the Atlantic City Press, with most fans there to support boxers on the undercard.

As for the action in case you were wondering, Jose Canseco got his ass knocked the **** out. No surprise. Sikahema came at him like a bull from the opening bell, knocking him down twice before the fight was finally stopped after Sikahema slammed Canseco with a flurry of punches. Ringside reports say the fight lasted slightly longer than Canseco’s stint with the Devil Rays. Sikahema was just disappointed he didn’t end the fight within 30 seconds. Maybe next time, buddy. Hopefully Canseco can now make a mortgage payment with the paycheck he pulled for getting his brains beat in. Sounds like a great business model.

Chipper Jones Snubbed by Kelly Clarkson

When I read this story, I was literally laughing out loud. Here’s Chipper Jones, high royalty in the baseball universe, and he’s telling a tale of being snubbed by a singer who made a name for herself on a TV reality show. As he told Kenny Mayne in the latest Outtakes interview from ESPN the Mag:

KM: Do you get recognized everywhere you go by now?

CJ: Funny story about that. Last year I was at the Daytona 500 with a friend and Richard Childress. Kelly Clarkson, who had sung before the race, came into the room. She walked my way, looking at me like she knew who I was, so I started to put out my hand. Then she pulls out a camera and asks me to take a photo of her and her friends. My buddy lost it. I’m from Daytona, so everybody knows me there. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to go get a beer. Boy, was I put out.

Wow, that is just too funny. I knew his luck was going bad but I didn’t think it was that horrible. Honestly, a dude approaching .400 who’s one of the top players in the last 15 years and he’s getting hung out to dry by a reality TV star? Kenny Mayne stepping up to the plate and doing a solid job filling in for Dan Patrick on the Outtakes. Good thing SI has Patrick’s page because I enjoy his humor and the interviews they transcribe into the mag as well. Quick thing about this particular issue of ESPN the Mag with the Rays on the cover.

I think I get the diversity angle they’re taking by putting the Japanese infielder (Iwamura), the white infielder (Longoria), the black outfielder (Crawford), and the veteran closer (Percival) on the cover, but they really screwed up. How can you possibly have a cover shot of the Rays and not include one of their starters? It’s the quality innings from the pitching staff — guys like Kazmir, Garza, and Shields most notably — that has led to their success as much as anything else. But a real cover should include a team photo including the coaches and front office, because the turnaround has been on all fronts.

Eva Longoria and Mario Lopez Getting Cozy, Where’s Tony Parker?

Probably not the type of distraction T. Parker can use while his Spurs are on their rodeo, but looks like his wife Eva Longoria has been out getting cozy with Mario Lopez lately. It’s not much of a surprise that Longoria and Lopez are hanging together — their friendship is well-documented — but they’ve been known to have dated in the past. In other words, that can’t be a good sign for Tony and his relationship. Getting to it, Longoria and Lopez were spotted dining together in LA, and Mario was lavishing Eva with quite the gift:

Now I don’t know if Marcellus Wallace would consider this a foot rub, but where I come from, this isn’t exactly appropriate conduct for a married woman. It’s not much of a surprise on Mario’s end — rumors say that’s why Ali Landry divorced him — so this is just poor company for Eva, it would appear. Not exactly what Tony needs right in the heat of the playoff race if you ask me.

Ashlee Simpson Approves of Sister Jessica’s Boyfriend, Tony Romo

We already knew that Jessica’s pops approved of Tony. Heck, story goes that he’s the one who set ‘em up. Then again, this is the same dude who supposedly bragged about his daughter’s rackage, so that shouldn’t come as one bit of a shock. Well, now we know that the family support for Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend, Tony Romo, is unanimous. As Ashlee told US Magazine:

“I love him!” the singer, 23, gushed to Usmagazine.com at the FUSE TV Grammy party at Goa nightclub in Hollywood last night.

When asked if she is happy for Jessica, she replied, “Absolutely happy. He is really cool.”

Added Ashlee’s beau, Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz: “He is a cool dude.”

Well, he’s on TV just as much as you guys, he threw for a Cowboys record 36 touchdowns this year, and he’s the quarterback of the Dallas freaking Cowboys. Doesn’t get much better than that. How could he not be a cool guy sporting a resume of that sort. I’m not sure how they all got to know each other. Maybe it was at one of the sing-along parties, or who knows, could’ve been in Mexico. And let me tell you, between Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, and now Jessica Simpson, Romo certainly has quite the dating resume.

Michael Vick’s Pit Bulls to Star in Reality TV Show

Michael Vick DogA few days ago I passed along the news that some of Vick’s pit bulls had been rescued and were up for adoption. (I’m still interested in putting together an LBS fundraiser to snag one as the site’s official mascot, fyi). Anyway, pressing along, apparently these dogs are heading to Hollywood for the big time, as WSBTV reports:

Pit bulls that once belonged to Michael Vick will be featured in a reality show this summer about an animal sanctuary.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 22 of Vick’s dogs are now at Dogtown. The National Geographic Channel began a series about Dogtown, an animal sanctuary in Utah, in January.

In an episode airing this summer will focus on four of the toughest cases and the staff’s efforts to resocialize the aggressive pit bulls, according to the National Geographic Channel.

My goodness, people actually watch this stuff? Now, I wouldn’t mind watching a show to see Vick adjusting to life in prison — that would be tight. You know, footage of him getting Bubba’d in the shower with soap suds seeping down … never mind. But a reality show about the dogs trying to resocialize? That’s incredible. Who would’ve guessed that these dogs would be playing on Sundays on TV before their owner was!