Boring the World One Cliché at a Time

Remember the PE coach you had when you were a kid? Middle-aged fellow, hated life, perhaps kicked a dog or two along the way, worked the night shift at Denny’s perhaps. Or what about the trite, hackneyed maxims that he would yell… “It’s gut check time!” (Good, so allow me to punch you in the Amstel Light-inflated stomach)… “Give me a 110 percent!” (If I gave you such a percentage, might that buy you a new pair of Sansabelts?)… “Feel out the opponent!” (Frankly, I believe that’s a felony in some states)…

It was these overused sentiments that turned a nation of youths off team sports and, who knows, maybe are a contributing factor to this country’s obesity epidemic among the prepubescent set. Such garbage made me secretly hope Coach Airhead would find his karma when he suffered a paper cut while attaching his signature to that President’s Physical Fitness (thanks for running the mile and doing a chin-up) certificate. As if that didn’t make you want to impale someone with one of those cheap plastic team trophies, the art form known as the cliché continues in all walks of society. Corporate executives preaching team unity, the doctor imploring you to execute before he gives that empty plastic cup for a urinalysis, and even the teller at the bank telling me I have to make some adjustments.

If you have flipped on a sporting event at some point in your life, the cliché is more omnipresent than a Duke University thesis. From the abomination that is the press conference to the coach’s interview and the in-game observations, maxims, platitudes, and truisms are as ever-present as the inevitable Cialis ad (by the way, a case of priapism would send me running to call Ripley’s, not a doctor). How wonderful it is to watch an overjoyed/dejected athlete talking about how they answered the bell — better go see an ophthalmologist about that, I didn’t hear anything — or how they were outplayed and beaten by a better team. Really? I certainly keep thinking the Washington Generals’ victory is right around the corner. Don’t forget the other phenomenon, the reporter running up to the coach at some point in the game to get some reaction along the lines of “Our offense (or defense) needs to step up (or has played well).”

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John Wall’s Dougie at Wizards’ Home Opener Was Kind of Awkward (Video)

When someone does the Dougie Dance either in celebration or just for fun, it usually begins and ends rather quickly.  That was the case with the legendary Dougies of Braylon Edwards, Reid Brignac, and the Oregon Duck.  For some reason it seemed awkward when John Wall broke out the Dougie during the pregame introductions of Tuesday night’s Wizards-Sixers game.  It could be because he did it for like 20 seconds.  It also could be because it was the Wizards’ home opener, yet you could hear a pin drop at the Verizon Center while the No. 1 overall draft pick was being introduced.  In any event, I think Wall should stick to his own dance from now on.  Here’s the John Wall Dougie video:

Video Credit: YouTube user Born2WinMai

Karl Meltzer Ran the Pony Express: 2064 Miles in 40 Days

Back before the days of cars and planes, the mail used to be delivered by horseback. The Pony Express was set up in the 1860s to facilitate communication from the East to the West and it stretched from St. Joseph, Missouri to Sacramento, California.

In commemoration of the 150 year anniversary of the Pony Express, ultra-marathoner Karl Meltzer actually RAN THE WHOLE TRAIL. Yes, Meltzer ran 2,064 miles in just over 40 days, averaging out to over two marathons a day. Yup, people talk about preparing for a single marathon by running 10 miles a day. This guy did more than two of them per day and completed the journey last week.

So how the heck did Meltzer do it? “It took a lot of preparation, including about 5-7,000 calories of food each day, and half a can of Red Bull every 5 miles to keep Karl at his pace,” said Meltzer’s trainer Ted Meyer.

For just over 40 days, Meltzer’s job was to run from 7:00am-5:00pm. On a typical day, he would wake up at 4:50am, take a blood test, eat breakfast, and then set out to run. After he was done running, he would use a heart monitor then take an ice bath for an hour to recover before eating a greasy dinner. Check out some of these cool stats from his run:

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LeBron James Busts Out the Fangs Mouthguard for Halloween (Picture)

Judging by this picture of LeBron James fangs mouthguard, I’m going to have to assume he’s getting into the Halloween spirit a little early.  Either that or he’s a big fan of the Twilight series.  I wouldn’t put it past him.  Bill Belichick has even celebrated Halloween before, so we know anyone can do it.

The real question here is whether or not the NBA will allow this.  They already told Rajon Rondo he can’t wear his headband upside down, so do they dare tell their golden child to knock it off?  After all, that’s violent!  Fangs?!  Those promote violence!  Come to think of it, what if this mouthguard is some sort of gang paraphernalia?  David Stern had better act quickly before this gets out of hand.

Pat Burrell Supposedly Was The Machine in Brian Wilson’s Video Interview

We’ve already dedicated a fair amount of coverage to the insanity that is Giants closer Brian Wilson. First came Wilson’s oddball interview with Jim Rome. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a must-see. Words can’t describe how strange it was. A few days prior to the Rome interview, Wilson was doing a skype interview on the Cheap Seats with Chris Rose when midway through the interview, a masked, S&M guy in a gimp outfit walked by in the background. Rose understandably freaked out and of course Wilson played it off. Then, in the middle of an NLCS celebratory interview, Wilson again mentioned “The Machine,” sending the internet into a tizzy.

So the question was asked by Deadspin: who was the gimp? SI Hot Clicks passed on word that The Fightins has the answer. The Fightins, a Phillies fan site, shared a picture of Pat Burrell in the costume from about five years ago that supposedly confirms the Giants outfielder doubles as The Machine. Here’s the pics of Pat Burrell as The Machine:

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Bill Belichick Says He Was Once John F. Kennedy for Halloween

Bill Belichick actually attempted to have fun at some point in his life?  The same guy who has made a living out of snubbing people on post-game handshakes?  Maybe he was just trying to fit in with society, but the Patriots coach told reporters during his press conference on Friday morning that he was dressed up as John F. Kennedy for Halloween during the Cuban Missile Crisis.  Belichick would have been 10 years old during the Crisis, so that actually kind of makes sense.

While all the other kids were dressing up as ghosts and monsters and whatever other fun costumes kids came up with in the 60s, little Billy decided to dress as the most important man in the world at a time of crisis.  The ironic thing is Belichick probably takes his coaching job more seriously than JFK took his presidency, and I’m not saying Kennedy wasn’t serious enough.  He probably lost point with the judges for being too serious.

Halloween Winner: Tim Tebow Friar Tuck Costume with Real Shaved Head

Tim Tebow’s friar tuck cut was easily the best (worst?) example of rookie hazing in the NFL this year. Tebow was forced to get the haircut, but can you imagine that a Florida/Tim Tebow fan out there was so dedicated he actually got the friar tuck cut for a Halloween costume? Check out the pic via Only Gators:

Now that is dedication! Hopefully this guy won whatever contest his office was running … he certainly deserves it.

No surprise this was listed as the #5 sports costume on The Football Girl’s list via SI Hot Clicks.