Super drunk driver said Michigan’s pathetic offense drove him to drink

Al Borges MichiganA Michigan man arrested on drunken driving charges two weekends ago said the Wolverines’ pathetic performance against Michigan State led to him getting smashed. True story.

The Dearborn Press & Guide says a 25-year-old man who was super drunk and had urinated himself, was arrested by police around 2:30 a.m. on Nov. 3, not too long after Michigan lost 29-6 at Michigan State. Officers were called after an employee said he saw a car parked for 90 minutes. Officers found the man with his head on his arm. He was asleep and they had to reach in and turn off the ignition.

The Press & Guide also provide this description:

The man appeared confused and disoriented. His speech was slurred, his eyes were watery and bloodshot and he smelled of alcohol. He said he was “drunk,” he had “a lot” of alcohol and urinated on himself.

The guy’s BAC was 0.24 percent. That’s not too far off from Vodka Samm, who blew a .341. The guy told police he was driven to drink by Michigan’s terrible game. He also complained about offensive coordinator Al Borges’ (pictured) play-calling, which resulted in -48 yards rushing. This dude is a hardcore fan, man.

Helmet smack to Deadspin

Dwayne Bowe arrested for speeding and possession of marijuana

Dwayne Bowe Groupie TalkKansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe was arrested and charged with possession of marijuana on Sunday after he was pulled over for speeding.

Riverside Police said in a news release, via Fox 4 in Kansas City, that an officer pulled Bowe’s black Audi over after he was clocked on the radar gun traveling 48 mph in a 35-mph zone. The officer asked the driver and two passengers to step out of the car after he smelled marijuana. During a subsequent search, a total of 14.6 grams of weed was found inside a black bag. Bowe was then arrested for possession of a controlled substance.

One of the passengers, George A. Thompson, told the officer the bag belonged to him. He was searched and police discovered two rolled joints on him with 2.2 grams of marijuana in them. Both Thompson and Bowe were arrested and booked, while the third passenger was not charged.

From a personal standpoint, this has been a frustrating season for Bowe. The Chiefs are 9-0, but he has not been a major part of the offense. His best game of the season was a seven-catch, 67-yard performance against the Buffalo Bills before the bye week. Bowe will now likely be looking at a suspension.

H/T Rotoworld

Bears fan tasers his wife, a Packers fan, following wager

John-Grant-mug-shotChicago Bears fans and Green Bay Packers fans generally don’t like one another. We’re guessing that isn’t the case with Packers fan John Grant and his wife, who happens to be a cheesehead. They just like to make friendly wagers that result in someone getting electrocuted.

According to The Daily Citizen, Grant was arrested early Tuesday morning after the Bears beat the Packers 27-20. His wife reportedly called police to report that Grant had used a stun gun on her three times. She showed the officers burn marks on her buttocks from where she had been shocked, which led to Grant’s arrest for the illegal use of an electric weapon.

Here’s the twisted part. Grant insisted he and his wife had made a wager on the game, and he Tasered her as a result of Chicago winning. After reviewing a series of text messages, police determined that Grant’s wife did indeed agree to the bet and consent to being Tasered if the Packers lost. She said, however, that she never expected him to actually do it.

Deadspin noted that Grant’s blood alcohol content was a whopping .137 while his wife’s was .155. It’s safe to say these NFL fans weren’t exactly thinking clearly. We’ve heard plenty of stories that involve people being Tasered, but this one is pretty shocking (see what I did there?). I don’t know what’s more baffling — that they agreed to the bet or that Grant actually followed through with it.

Rockies owner Charlie Monfort arrested for DUI, has happiest mug shot ever

Charlie Monfort mug shot
Colorado Rockies co-owner Charlie Monfort was arrested on Monday in Windsor, Colo., for suspicion of DUI, according to The Denver Post.

The Post says Monfort, 54, was also cited for driving 10-19 miles per hour over the speed limit, though it’s unclear what led to him initially being pulled over.

Monfort was released Tuesday on $2,500 bond.

The Post notes that Monfort was arrested for DUI in 1999. His BAC was more than twice the legal limit during that arrest, though he had the charge reduced.

Monfort was apologetic in a statement released on Tuesday night.

[Photos: More hilarious mug shots]

“I’m extremely disappointed in myself for the decision I made to drink and drive and the potential risk I caused to other innocent people. I want to apologize to my family, the Colorado Rockies staff, players, Major League Baseball and, of course, our fans for the embarrassment I have caused by my actions. I do understand the seriousness of my behavior and the issues that I am facing and I’m committed to do what’s necessary to deal with my problem.”

Now that we’ve gotten all the details out of the way … can we talk for a second about Monfort’s mug shot? Why does he look like he was just informed that he’s got a couple of hookers waiting for him in his jail cell? Bro, you just got busted for DUI. Wipe that smile off your face. Or is he only grinning because he knows he’s so rich he’ll beat the charges? Maybe that’s why he wasn’t sweating it.

Hey, I guess cracking a smile for your mug shot is better than making this face.

Chris Chiapetta after being accused of teaching class while high: ‘Roll tide’ (Video)

Chris-ChiapettaIf people like Chris Chiapetta are educating our nation’s youth, we are in serious trouble. Chiapetta, a 26-year-old who teaches (or used to) at Northgate Middle/High School in Pennsylvania, admitted to using heroin before teaching his class earlier this month. According to WXPI in Pittsburgh, he was “passed out on his desk” in front of the class.

On Thursday, Chiapetta had a preliminary hearing for the charges he is facing which include drug possession, public intoxication and disorderly conduct. When media members sought comment from Chiapetta as he was being escorted from the courtroom, he had only one thing to say.

“Roll Tide.”

Yup, Roll Tide. In addition to being high during class, a stamped bag reportedly fell out of Chiapetta’s pocket while he was sitting at his desk. Police later found four stamped bags of heroin in his car in addition to marijuana.

And you thought the guy who poisoned all those trees was crazy? This dude is on his own planet.

H/T Deadspin

Freddie Mitchell gets 37 months in prison for tax fraud scheme

Freddie MitchellFreddie Mitchell always appeared to have a screw loose, so it’s no surprise that he is going to spend the next several years behind bars.

TMZ reported on Tuesday that the former Philadelphia Eagles receiver was sentenced to 37 months in prison for his role in a tax fraud scheme. Mitchell was facing 10 years in prison but struck a plea deal with prosecutors in March.

Mitchell told NBA player Drew Gooden that he knew a former IRS employee who could file his tax return and get millions back in a refund. Mitchell supposedly accepted payment from Gooden, created a fake take return, and received $2 million in a refund that he and his partners had deposited into their accounts.

Gooden was not accused of any wrongdoing in the case. Investigators learned of the scheme after Gooden filed his return and the IRS realized they had already paid a refund to him.

I wonder if Mr. 4th and 26 still wants to thank his hands for being so great.

Thomas Robinson busted for speeding – 107 MPH in 55 zone

Thomas Robinson BlazersPortland Trailblazers forward and former Kansas star Thomas Robinson was busted by Portland police for speeding on Friday morning on the 5 freeway. The stats from his citation were actually more impressive than any numbers he put up in his rookie season.

According to The Oregonian, Robinson was clocked by Portland police doing 107 MPH in his Porsche Panamera in a 55-MPH zone. The fine for being caught speeding at over 100 MPH is $1,150.

Not that we’re trying to glorify his actions or anything, but it’s amazing how casual Robinson’s tone was in an apology sent over Twitter.

Did the guy just miss a free throw or was he busted driving at reckless speeds? I can’t seem to figure it out.