Larry Brown Sports

If you asked me to list every prominent sports figure in order of most to least likely to get a DUI, Al Michaels would be at the very bottom. Check that — Michaels wouldn’t even make the list.

Sure, Al keeps a keen eye on the point spread and enjoys playing the stock market, but this guy is as wholesome and American as it gets. Michaels has that great, fatherly figure persona. Perfect dads don’t get DUIs — they’re in bed at 10:00 p.m. watching Johnny Carson reruns after a lovely dinner with the wife. But that wasn’t the case on Friday.

The AP reports that Michaels was arrested around 9:30 p.m. in Santa Monica after making an illegal U-turn nearby a DUI checkpoint. TMZ says officers detected a scent of alcohol when speaking with the prominent announcer.

Michaels reportedly blew a .08 and .09 on the breathalyzer tests — just around the legal limit. He was arrested on suspicion of DUI and taken to the station where he was released after five hours.

Michaels supposedly “could not have been nicer” throughout the ordeal. Who would expect anything less? And how badly do you think that made the arresting cops feel?

So what was Michaels drunk off of? My money’s on some expensive red wine. Michaels don’t do cheap beer, and no way he’s going hard on something like whiskey. The only thing that could turn this story into a positive would be if we could somehow get a dashboard camera video of the whole arrest and have Michaels do the play-by-play for it. How sick would that be?

Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton is in the headlines this week, but it’s not for anything baseball-related.

Helton, who is 39 and at the end of his career, was arrested Wednesday morning nearby his home in Thornton, Colo., on suspicion of driving under the influence. His DUI is not what is captivating the minds of America; it’s the amazing mug shot that has everyone fascinated.

Just look at Helton in that shot. Face all chubby, triple chin visible. His hair is all tossed around. One collar is flipped out and the other tucked in. Not to mention he’s so messed up he can’t even open his eyes for the picture. Guy looks awful.

Ordinarily we’d scold Helton for driving drunk and putting the lives of others in danger, but that mug shot is enough to sufficiently embarrass him for his actions.

You can read his apology he provided to The Denver Post.

Fred Smoot was an above-average cornerback during his NFL career with the Washington Redskins and the Minnesota Vikings, but his life off of the football field is much more entertaining than watching him play was. The same Smoot that once did some nasty things on a boat back in 2005 was arrested for driving while under the influence on Dec. 30.

Big deal, right? Happens all the time. While that may be true, it’s not everyday that we get to talk about a former NFL player who pissed his pants while he was handcuffed. We’ll let The Washingtonian take it from here:

Smoot told the Capitol Police officer that he’d had one drink, according to the affidavit, and agreed to a field sobriety test. During a series of tests, Smoot demonstrated ‘many clues of impairment,’ including swaying noticeably, Carll said in the affidavit.

Smoot was subsequently arrested and taken to the Capitol Police headquarters at 119 D Street, Northeast, for processing, where he twice refused to take a breathalyzer test.

‘During processing, in the service area, while handcuffed, the [defendant] peed his pants creating a puddle on the floor,’ Carll said in the affidavit. ‘[A police officer] witnessed the urine running down his pant leg and onto the floor. [Smoot] did not express that he had to use the restroom.’”

Smoot pleaded not guilty to his DUI charge on Jan. 17 and a status hearing is scheduled for Feb. 19. He wasn’t drunk — he just really, really, really had to go to the bathroom. I know a certain Vikings fan who might be able to relate.

H/T Deadspin

Dallas Cowboys defensive tackle Jay Ratliff was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated early Tuesday morning after his Ford truck struck an 18-wheeler in Grapevine, Texas. Police senior officer Sam Shemwell told NFL.com that Ratliff was the sole occupant of the vehicle and was not injured.

Ratliff was reportedly arrested after officers arrived at the scene and determined he was intoxicated and responsible for the crash. He was arraigned and released on bond on Tuesday morning. He reportedly refused a breathalyzer but police received a search warrant to draw blood. The results of the blood test are pending.

While it is alarming any time a professional athlete who has so much going for him gets arrested for a DWI, it is even more disturbing that Ratliff’s arrest comes just a month after one of his teammates, Jerry Brown, was killed in an alcohol-related car crash. Cowboys nose tackle Josh Brent was driving the car and faces up to 20 years in prison after being charged with intoxication manslaughter.

As Around the League pointed out, a Cowboys team consultant said that the team was looking into setting players up with a breath analyzer device for their cars following the Brown tragedy. With the amount of money NFL players make and the amount of services teams make available for them, you would think they would be aware of how much they have to lose and not get behind the wheel of a car while drunk. The fact that Ratliff may have chosen to do so just a month after his teammate was killed has to be disappointing for Jerry Jones and company.

Photo via Grapevine Police Department

DUIs are no laughing matter, but Carlton Fisk’s mug shot certainly is.

The Hall of Fame catcher was arrested on Monday night on DUI charges after driving his truck into the middle of a cornfield in Illinois, police reportedly said.

New Lenox Police received a call about a car driving erratically. Officers found Fisk in a cornfield, unconscious behind the wheel of his truck. An open vodka bottle reportedly was also found in the vehicle.

Pudge refused a blood test, and his car was impounded.

Let’s get back to that mug shot. Where the heck was Fisk looking? Camera’s over here, bro. It looks like he just got baked, $hitfaced from pounding about a case of beers, and lost a fight to a garden hose and rake.

Way to make a triumphant comeback into the news, Fisk.

Michael Turner and the Falcons got off to a fast start against the Broncos on Monday night and never looked back. Turner scored a touchdown after Atlanta’s defense picked off Peyton Manning for the first time, which made him the franchise leader with 51 career touchdowns with the Falcons. There was a lot to celebrate after the game, but Turner should have done it responsibly.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Turner was arrested hours after the game and charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol and speeding. He was released on $2,179 bond after about two hours in jail.

Obviously this is not good news for the 30-year-old Turner. He was already expected to see a decline in production this season, and a potential suspension could force him to fall behind and get into a situation he cannot recover from at his age.

Mark Grace is taking an indefinite leave of absence as a Diamondbacks broadcaster after being arrested for his second DUI in 15 months, The Arizona Republic reports. Grace must have realized the consequences of his second DUI, because he seemed considerably more grumpy in his most recent mug shot.

According to The Republic, Grace was pulled over for having an expired registration plate. He was arrested for DUI after a field sobriety test was administered.

Oh, and get this, he was driving without an interlock device for his car as was required following his previous DUI.

FOX Sports Arizona has plans for former franchise legend Luis Gonzalez to call Friday and Saturday’s games and Joe Garagiola to do Sunday’s. We doubt either man will have Grace’s home run predicting ability.