Larry Brown Sports

You know, if the Nats really want extra coverage on LBS, this is all they really have to do. Contributor JS emails in with the news that his Cubbies handed it to the Nationals on Sunday, giving Ryan Zimmerman the coveted Golden Sombrero. Considering Zimmerman’s the three hitter for the Nats, you wouldn’t ordinarily figure that he’d be taking the Golden Sombrero if it came down to any of the batters in that lineup. You’d probably guess that Austin Kearns, Angel Hernandez, or the likes of Willie Harris would struggle to make contact against top arms like Dick Harden, Carlos Marmol, and Jeff Samardzija. But no, it was Ryan Zimmerman who took the shaft punching out all four times on Sunday.

For Zimmerman, taking the Golden Sombrero was really indicative of the way his whole season’s gone. Zimmerman busted onto the scene in ’06, the year after he was drafted by Washington, driving in 110 runs. His encore performance last year included a 24 home run season. Zimm definitely took a step back this year as he’s been battling a bum shoulder. And in case you were wondering, Zimmerman punched out three times against fireballer Dick Harden, and the final time against Jeff Samardzija. I’m guessing Zimmerman will see better days. Kinda hard to do worse.

As you can imagine, I’m quite pleased to have yet another established slugger join the coveted ranks of the LBS Golden Sombrero Club. The elite franchise that is the LBS GS Club has no room for the Paul Janishes of the world; we’re all about the Hall of Famers, the 500 home run club members. Jim Thome could be the club’s proudest inductee up to this point. Anyway, if Thome had been halfway productive on Saturday against Tampa Bay, maybe his team wouldn’t have lost 5-3. Then again, with the way Scott Kazmir shut them down (except for Jermaine Dye), you really can’t blame him.

Thome thrice took the gas pipe against Scott Kazmir, twice swinging and once looking. Then in the 9th, Thome punched out swinging against Dan Wheeler. For the second straight game against the Rays, the White Sox bullpen blew a late innings lead, this time they gave up 4 runs in the 8th to fall behind 5-3. On Friday night, the pen gave up 3 in the 8th and 3 more in the 9th to lose 9-4. As White Sox fan extraordinare Lance Johnson says, if the White Sox lose the division by one or two games, blame it all on Octavio Dotel. Surely not Jim Thome — those 500+ home runs have to come at a price, right?

Honestly, admit you thought this was something straight out of Dean Wermer’s book. Not so. It’s been a while since we had any new introductions to the elite LBS Golden Sombrero Club. Aaron Rowand, don’t think I didn’t notice yours a few weeks back. I let you off easy on. Anyway, LBS reader Adam is a Cubs fan and made sure I didn’t miss the fact that the Marlins 4-5 combination of Mike Jacobs and Dan Uggla committed the double-sombrero on Sunday in a 9-2 loss against Chicago. Now in case you were asking whether or not this was the first of its kind, my homey Elias works for some Sports Bureau and confirmed that this is indeed a first. I mean last time I was so elated to have Andruw Jones go where no position player had gone before — Platinum. But a double-sombrero? That’s unprecedented. That’s ground breaking.

Clean up hitter Mike Jacobs punched out three times against Ryan Dempster and then once against Neal Cotts. Uggla was rung up three times by Dempster as well and took the gas pipe in his final AB against Jeff Samardzija. Jacobs has 25 dongs on the season, but has a .241 average to go with it. Uggla’s got 26 bombs and his average is a less-ugly .260. With power numbers like those, we’re assured to see better days from both. Alas, they’re both welcome additions to the club. We’re working on quite the star-studded roster now.

It was just over a week ago that Andruw Jones had come off the disabled list to the tune of an 0-for-5 game with four strikeouts. At that time, we said there would only be brighter days ahead for Mr. Jones, and that it wouldn’t be long before “U” joined the Golden Sombrero Club. Well, no doubt about it — eight days later — I am proud to induct Andruw Jones into the LBS Golden Sombrero Club as the first position player to achieve the Platinum Sombrero. Honestly, this is quite the honor; I hope Andruw appreciates his company because it really is difficult to see at least 15 pitches in one night and not be able to touch at least one of them.

I knew that we were heading for a magical night following Andruw’s second at-bat. He was so clueless at the plate, just waving at breaking balls in the dirt. Jones was so lost he would have punched out even with a tennis racket for a bat. And that’s not even an understatement. Seriously, if you missed it, Andruw looked like a 12-year-old kid at the plate who was seeing a curve ball for the first time. It was a pathetic joke. It’s no coincidence that Andruw struck out swinging every time up, against three different pitchers no less — they did their homework and realized the guy can’t touch a curveball. And what major leaguer doesn’t make an adjustment mid-game to try and hit a ball towards right field, or at the least, lay off a breaking ball in the dirt after the 15th time in one game? I am fully confident that I could have stepped out there last night and thrown three straight curves in the low-70s and struck Andruw out. I’m not even exaggerating because that’s how awful and clueless he was.

This guy is so bad it’s now becoming fun to see just how bad he can get. He his hurting this team so much with his lack of production that its almost time to either shut the dude down for the year, or just outright release him and eat the salary. Dude is not going to turn it around this year, at least not without a road map and a compass. The Dodgers need a freaking hitter at the plate, not somebody who makes Angel Berroa look like Honus Wagner. Oh yeah, and if the Dodgers have a charity auction, “A Day with Andruw Jones” would be the hottest commodity on the block if they ensure the winning bidder the opportunity to punch Jones in the face after he makes that stupid smile following a strikeout. Tell me you wouldn’t pay 10 grand to deck him after one of those smiles.

We’ve had several near misses in the LBS Golden Sombrero Club lately, but no inductions until Wednesday night. Keep in mind, a player who goes 0-for-5 with 4K’s but doesn’t K in every trip to the plate doesn’t quite qualify unfortunately. The point of the Golden Sombrero is that it highlights the an incredibly brutal game — a night where the player does not even reaching base nor touch a ball all night. That’s pretty bad. Jay Bruce was pretty close on Tuesday night, but he got plunked in his first at-bat before K’ing the next four times. Anyway, today, the focus is on Paul Konerko.

Paul Konerko was just activated from the disabled list after missing about three weeks with an oblique injury. In his first game back against the Royals, Konerko went 1-for-3 with an RBI ground out and a single. The man once considered a force in the AL who was coveted by the Angels added to his already miserable season by going 0-for-4 with four punch outs against Kansas City, three swinging, and one looking. Konerko did the deed three times against Brian Bannister, and the fourth against Ramon Ramirez. It’s sad to see Konerko — a virtual lock in the past for 30 homers and 100 ribbies — struggling so much at the plate. At this point I typically like to say that the player will have better days, but in the case of Konerko, I think his best days are behind him. Konerko may have gone the unfortunate way of the Sexson. What a shame.

I have been quite negligent with Sombrero Watch, missing out on Carlos Beltran’s efforts on Saturday (I’m letting you off the hook on this one, buddy), and Ryan Howard last week. Though a day late, invitations were extended to Milton Bradley and Ted Lilly to join the club. Our buddy Milton turned the trick on Monday night in the Rangers’ 2-1 win over the Yankees. He’s lucky Scotty Feldman and company pitched well enough to keep the Yanks bats at bay otherwise his five runners left on base would have looked a lot worse. Anyway, perhaps harder to do than injuring your knee while arguing with an umpire, Milton K’d three times against Mike Mussina. The other was against Jose Veras. Nicely done, Milton. We welcome you with open arms.

The other inductee from Monday night would be Ted Lilly. I had to wrestle with this one greatly before giving my blessing. Early on I made the call to keep all pitchers because they don’t really count, but Ted Lilly is the exception. I am proud to announce that Ted Lilly is the first member of the club to achieve the Platinum Sombrero. Not only is it remarkably difficult to achieve the Golden Sombrero, imagine how tough it is to go Platinum. Especially when you consider that Lilly’s a pitcher; how many pitchers even get five at-bats in a game without getting pinch hit for? For those two reasons, Lilly was inducted.

Honorable mentions from Monday go out to Jason Repko, Marcus Thames, and Jason Michaels who all punched out four times in five at-bats. Better that you all didn’t turn the trick — I’m not so sure we would’ve had room for you anyway.

In case you’re wondering how this works, yes, I scan MLB boxscores each night. I’m not looking at standings, I’m not looking at pitching lines, I’m not looking at who went deep. There is only one thing on my mind when on Sombrero alert: the K column. And as soon as I see a “4,” my eyes light up. I saw that tonight, unfortunately it was next to the name Paul Janish (pronounced Yawn-ish, no surprise). Yawnish put the home crowd to sleep in Cincy taking the collar against the Red Sox. He punched out three times against Justin Masterson, twice swinging and once looking, and K’d the final time swinging against reliever David Aardsma. Luckily for Yawnish, Jay Bruce and Adam Dunn picked up the offensive slack, and Aaron Harang was on top of his game to make up for the 0fer. The Reds beat the Red Sox 3-1.

But onto more important items, I’m not so sure Yawnish even deserves induction into the LBS Golden Sombrero Club. When a rookie is batting just .204 with only one extra base hit, it’s hard to really consider him a legit inductee. I need guys who will have some sort of longevity so one day in the future we can reminisce and say “remember back when he took the Golden Sombrero?” I’m not sure we have much more than a guy just filling a hole here who we won’t ever hear from in two years. For now, I’ll be lenient, but let it be known: this is a reluctant induction of Paul Janish into the LBS Golden Sombrero Club. Consider yourself honored, Mr. Janish. The pleasure’s all yours. Just take a look at the company.

I didn’t quite have the chance to post this up after Sunday’s game, but since the Reds are still playing at the time of this publishing, I feel I can induct Joey Votto into the club. Reds first baseman Joey Votto joined the LBS Golden Sombrero Club taken an ofer against the Marlins in a 9-2 loss on Sunday. He punched out four times against the Florida staff which is quite the impressive feat. In fact, to make matters more impressive, he turned the trick against three different pitchers — starter Ryan Tucker, as well as relievers Joe Nelson and Justin Miller. About the only good thing we can say for Votto as he receives his inauspicious honor is that at least he went down hacking all four times. Congrats Joey, and welcome to the club.

If one wasn’t enough, then two certainly is. It’s always more fun to go join a club with some company, anyway. UtesFan89, who authors the blog Playing for Pride, sends in the news that Diamondbacks backup catcher Miguel Montero took the gas pipe against the Pirates today. If you’re wondering how UtesFan89 happened upon the news, it’s because he concentrates his writings primarily on the Pirates during the baseball season (putting up with such futility is reason enough to visit his site). And luckily for me, UtesFan89 has done all the homework and passes on this, “Miguel Montero got the highly regarded Golden Sombrero (4 at-bats, 4 K’s… all swinging, just FYI). He also left 8 runners on base, and had the error on Duke’s sacrifice bunt that wasn’t a sacrifice.” Clearly not a good day to be Miguel Montero.

I’d like to say something positive about Miguel Montero, but there isn’t much there. As for Votto, expect plenty of brighter days. And big thanks to Playing for Pride for the Andre Miller-like assist.

And on May 29th, 2008, it was a momentous occasion in the life of Jonny Gomes. I hereby induct you, Mr. Gomes, into the LBS Golden Sombrero Club.

Gomes, a notorious hit-or-miss player with a lot of pop and a ton of strikeouts as well, did just that. He took the gas pipe striking out four times in a 5-1 loss to the White Sox. He punched out three times against John Danks and the fourth time was against Octavio Dotel. The dubious performance drags Gomes’ average down to a paltry .209. At least he does something to hang his hat on: he now belongs in the same club as Curtis Granderson, Matt Joyce, and Carlos Pena. Congrats, Jonny, you deserve it.

Yes, I may have slacked on my duties and missed the fact that Justin Upton took the collar last week against the Marlins (and nearly wore the hat Tuesday night going 0-for-4 with 3K’s), but I was all over the affairs in Anaheim.

You might think that I was rooting for Ervin Santana in the top of the 9th inning with the game tied 2-2 because I wanted my Angels to win, but you would be partially wrong. Oh no, I had ulterior motives. I was knuckling up on my chair waiting to see if Matt Joyce could do what he hadn’t done before: put a ball in play against Ervin Santana. And much to my delight, Mr. Joyce obliged my greatest wishes by failing to connect for the fourth time in the night. His final line for the evening: 0-for-4, 4K’s, three swinging, one looking, all against Ervin Santana. And the Angels won 3-2 on a game-winning hit by Gary Matthews Jr. in the bottom of the 9th. Lovely.

So to Matt Joyce, I wish you nothing but success in the future, so long as you’re not playing the Angels, and so long as you aren’t chasing the Golden Sombrero. Also, we must establish some LBS Golden Sombrero Club policy here. I’m thinking no on awarding retroactive Sombreros in case we don’t see it within 24 hours. Justin Upton, you are lucky my friend. And proudly, there are now three members and counting in the LBS Golden Sombrero Club.