Handicapping the Hall of Famer Who Jose Canseco Says Used Steroids

When it comes to the subject of steroids in baseball there isn’t a more credible source than Jose Canseco. The dude was practically the godfather of roids in baseball, the way he tells it. Players, owners, agents, the union — they all lie, but Canseco tells the truth. And when he was asked about the 2003 positive test that supposedly includes Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, Canseco offered something extra:

“When you tell me something I didn’t already know, I’ll be surprised. And I’ll tell you this, Major League Baseball is going to have a big, big problem on their hands when they find out they have a Hall of Famer who’s used.”

Canseco goes on to say he’s not into naming names (I guess he forgets about his books) because he wants to get the union for propagating this whole mess. OK, so now that we have the info, who’s the player? We can’t be sure until we hear from Canseco, but I’m sure many of us have a damn good idea who it is. Let’s see:

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Jose Canseco to Fight 7’2″ MMA Giant Hong Man Choi

Alternate title to this post: Jose Canseco is willing to get his ass kicked for money. I was turned on to the Korean fighter Hong Man Choi about a year ago. Choi’s 7’2″ and 350 lbs of kimchi. He’s produced 10 second knockouts and had superstar Fedor Emilianenko on the ropes. Canseco got his ass kicked by Vai Sikahema and Danny Bonaduce. He’s half the size of this guy. And this is Canseco we’re talking about! The two are set to meet late in May in Tokyo as part of an eight-man MMA tournament. Someone please tell me how Jose’s going to contend with this:

They better have a stretcher ringside for that battle. Yeesh. You couldn’t pay me to get in the ring with the Honger.

Jose Canseco 100% Sure There’s 90% Chance Manny Ramirez Used Steroids

Hey, laugh off what Jose Canseco says and odds are you will end up being the one laughed at in the end. Canseco proved that he’s probably the most credible figure in the messed up world of baseball; everything the guy wrote in his books turned out to be true. Rafael Palmeiro tried to tell us that the book was wrong. We all saw how that one turned out. So when Mr. Juiced appeared at USC to speak over the weekend, listeners were wise to heed his words. Even when he’s asked whether or not Manny Ramirez used roids:

Canseco laughs and offers his theory. A-Rod was exposed only when his name was leaked from a list of 104 major leaguers who in a 2003 test showed up positive for steroids. Because the test was anonymous, those names were not supposed to be made public. But in Canseco’s mind, baseball’s power brokers know who is on it: players he is sure will be seen as toxic if the truth comes out.

To Canseco, the drawn-out negotiation, the lack of a long-term deal, the lack of interest all raise red flags, and so he tells the Bovard crowd that Ramirez’s “name is most likely, 90%,” on the list.

I thought the bad economy and the Mets’ owners losing money in the Madoff scandal is the reason he wasn’t signed. Oh yeah, that whole quitting in Boston thing doesn’t help either. But if that’s what Jose thinks, then I’ll say there’s a 75% chance his 90% feeling is 100% credible. By the way, USC must have paid sweet bucks to get him to come and talk; last time I saw him at the gym he wanted $100k for an interview.

Jose Canseco and Danny Bonaduce Fight Ruled a Draw

I know there were probably two fights higher on your agenda Saturday night — Fedor Emelianenko vs. Andrei Arlovski, and Shane Mosley vs. Antonio Margarito. Yes, those were pretty significant battles in the sports world. But I’d like to concentrate on the idiot matchup from Saturday. Two has-beens in Jose Canseco and Danny Bonaduce battled it out in what was no doubt a money grab. The last time Jose tried to take his skills to the ring he got pounded by Vai Sikahema. This time it appears as if Canseco had more success. I haven’t locked down any video of the fight (actually, here’s some video), but this site is saying the fight was a draw and they even provided pictures too! My favorite is probably Bonaduce skipping rope with a cigarette in his mouth. Classy huh?

I think it was Vince Papale about whom the movie Invincible was based that held up Canseco’s arms in one of those shots. And what’s up with Canseco wearing the tat suit? That guy is such a clown. I’m guessing there was no video of the fight because nobody was dumb enough to order it. I hope that was the case.

Jose Canseco Knocked Out in Fight with Vai Sikahema

OK, so I know I was clamoring for a Jose Canseco/Curt Schilling boxing match, but instead we had to settle for Canseco getting his ass knocked out by Vai Sikahema. The two fought in Atlantic City after Sikahema accepted the challenge — Canseco had been offering 5 grand for someone to fight him. The 5,000 capacity stands were only about a quarter full according to the Atlantic City Press, with most fans there to support boxers on the undercard.

As for the action in case you were wondering, Jose Canseco got his ass knocked the **** out. No surprise. Sikahema came at him like a bull from the opening bell, knocking him down twice before the fight was finally stopped after Sikahema slammed Canseco with a flurry of punches. Ringside reports say the fight lasted slightly longer than Canseco’s stint with the Devil Rays. Sikahema was just disappointed he didn’t end the fight within 30 seconds. Maybe next time, buddy. Hopefully Canseco can now make a mortgage payment with the paycheck he pulled for getting his brains beat in. Sounds like a great business model.

Canseco vs. Schilling, Celebrity Boxing?

The last time I was pulling for a celebrity death match it was to have Tommy Lee and Kid Rock fight over my woman, Pamela. While that certainly would provide entertainment, I’m not quite sure it would generate as much hostility as the scenario Jose Canseco posed. My man Ben Maller points out that Jose Canseco (who offered to pay an opponent handsomely to appear in the ring) said in a recent interview he wants to fight Curt Schilling:

Retired steroid slugger Jose Canseco challenged Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling to a fight while appearing this morning on Angelo Cataldi’s morning show on WIP in Philadelphia. Canseco also claimed the bloody sock that helped make Schilling famous was actually ketchup.

I guess Jose has seen the Karl Ravech/Baseball Tonight commercial, too. More to the point, I’m not sure there would be much better in the world than Jose Canseco and Curt Schilling dueling in the ring. I know Curt’s trying to rehab his injury right now. If that doesn’t work out for him, he definitely has a future in celebrity boxing. With an opinion on every single topic, there aren’t many players in the game more disliked than Schilling. Man, that type of promising matchup would sell out the Grand Canyon. I even have a tagline for the fight too: Muscles vs. The Gut. That’s trademarked too, by the way.

Looks Like the Jose Canseco Local Gym Sitings Are Over

The first time I saw his ass at the gym, I had to do a double take. It couldn’t be him, could it? As another gym-goer told me recently, “I see Ozzie Canseco at the gym all the time.” Sorry, I corrected him, “that’s actually Jose.” Yes, Jose Canseco works out at the local gym in Encino (Sherman Oaks, technically). Unfortunately it appears as if I won’t be seeing his tan, twitching, muscular, new blond a week ass at the gym anymore; his home has been foreclosed. Canseco is the latest to feel the pressures of the housing market squeeze, though he says he’s a different case. I’m not exactly sure what he means, but Jose seems to think people losing their homes don’t have any other housing options while he does. Whatever.

I guess Canseco really does go to show it’s not easy for athletes to manage their money, no matter how much they’ve made. Between divorces, alimony, taxes, and absurd toys, that waterfall of cash can run dry pretty quickly. Take Sprewell for instance — he had to sell off his yacht and his home was up for foreclosure because he owed so much money. I’m not too surprised that Sprewell’s in financial trouble, but with Canseco being a best-selling author and all, figure he’s got to have some cash flowing in, no? I do know one thing: we’re going to miss that summabitch at the gym. Twitches, spandex, silicone, and all.