You always hear about the dirty play that goes on at the bottom of the piles — biting, scratching, clawing, hair pulling — seems like everything is fair game. I’ve even been told that the best place to hear grown men scream is in one of said piles. That’s why it was no surprise to read Pacman Jones‘ comments following the game against the Browns on Sunday. From The Dallas Morning News Cowboys Blog via MDS at PFT:

Adam “Pacman” Jones said the Browns did a lot of cheap stuff in Sunday’s game. DB Nick Sorenson grabbing and squeezing Pacman’s groin region topped the list.

Pacman said that act occurred in the pileup after he muffed a punt.

“I told that dude, ‘Man, you’re lucky I’m trying to do better, because I would have got 15 yards for kicking your [rear],’” Pacman said.

PFT now says that it wasn’t Nick Sorenson who was squeezing the juice, but does it really matter? Obviously someone was trying to cause a fumble in there. And seriously, it must be nut-shot week at LBS; between Pacman’s junk and UTEP’s long snapper, we’ve certainly filled our quota for the week.

Channeling the true spirit of Deion Sanders, Pacman Jones could wind up playing some wide receiver for the Cowboys. Jerry Jones first floated the idea of Pacman doubling up and going both ways, and it’s something Wade Phillips apparently did not rule out. Apparently the Dallas Morning News wanted to see if there was a shot of seeing Pacman play wideout on Sunday. Here was Phillips’ response: “It’s a little early and we don’t want to give out any secrets, so I’d say right now we don’t expect him to play much receiver.” That smirk seems pretty telling to me. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Pacman start pulling a Devin Hester before long. We’ve already seen how well Pacman does a punt returner, why not split him out on offense, too? Also, as a followup to a past story we did on Pacman’s whack sense of fashion, we now finally have a picture of the hideous outfit he sported.

Dude, somebody please get that man a fashion consultant. That outfit is hideous. And believe me, I know what ugly looks like — I’m a Bengals fan. Even Rick Pitino’s white suit thinks that’s ugly.

I write that title as if there’s something wrong with liking boobs. I enjoy fine mammaries as much as the next guy, but it’s quite possible that nobody likes them as much as Pacman Jones. You might recall that Pacman was famously dining at a strip club prior to his meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell to hear about his impending suspension. That’s right, “>Pacman Jones goes to strip clubs for the food. Knowing that story, it probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to hear where Pacman Jones was when he found out he was reinstated by Goodell Thursday. Ready for this? Hooters. Yup. That man must love him some boobs, cuz I’ll tell ya, Hooters has some pretty awful food.

Now that he’s actually been reinstated, this makes the Cowboys all that much tougher. They have to be the Super Bowl favorite in the NFC because they’re offense is ridiculously explosive, and now they have shutdown corners. Couple that with the retirement of Strahan and the injury to Umenyiora, and the Cowboys seem like the easy pick. Even if they’re the current favorite, there’s still plenty of time for Pacman to screw things up. Pro Football Talk, which brought the Pacman story to my attention, also says Pacman’s been up to no good lately and that he’s likely to get into trouble before the year’s up. Wouldn’t be surprising to see this move bite them in the butt; Adam Schefter says Pacman will be on a very short leash.

I suppose I don’t exactly expect much from someone who visits strip clubs strictly for the food, or gets in as much trouble as Pacman does, but this harrowing description of an outfit Pacman sported recently just really makes you shake your head. Tim McMahon at The Dallas Morning News Cowboys Blog has the details of the suit Pacman wore to the Cowboys Kickoff Luncheon.

Let me do my best to describe this suit. It was brownish-gray with blue fabric that covered the shoulders. And there was a Cowboys star on the right sleeve with a 21 in it. Oh, and the suit had a hood.

Yes, you read that right. His suit had a hood.

The suit was so, um, unique that Brad Sham had Pacman stand up and show it off after each player was introduced to the crowd.

Sorry Pacman, but where I come from, only one type of suit has a hood, and it’s not the type you want to be breaking out in public — or at all — for that matter. Obviously it’s nowhere nearly as good of a story as it could be without the pictures, but I can envision the atrocity. Brownish-gray with blue fabric? That just makes my stomach curl. Someone get Pacman some fashion lessons — fast.

The one thing I didn’t think was possible has happened. Somehow, in this entire messy situation, Adam Jones — the biggest perpetrator of crimes within the last two years — was made into a victim by Don Imus. That is just maddening. It just goes to show how clueless Imus really is, and how idiotic you can make yourself sound when you just shoot from the hip. I’m still trying to wrap my arms around this one. How could this whole thing result in Adam Jones saying he’s actually praying for someone else? Think about all the lives the man formally known as Pacman has ruined. And now you’re telling me that he feels bad for someone else and that he’s praying for them? Since when did Adam Jones become the moral police? And where does he get off being more credible and ethical than any other person on this planet?

And how about that lepton brain Imus who compounds an already insanely idiotic statement by sticking his foot even further down his mouth. How did he possibly make himself sound even dumber on Tuesday than he did on Monday? Just check out his statement when he said he was being sarcastic, “What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason,” Imus said Tuesday. “I mean, there’s no reason to arrest this kid six times. Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once.” OK mister trying-to-cover-up-my-tracks-but-digging-a-deeper-hole. Do you have no idea about Adam Jones and all the trouble he caused in his past life as Pacman? Have you no clue about all the incidents at clubs the night before games? Or how about that shooting at the strip club that resulted in a man being paralyzed? Yeah, he sure was arrested for no reason, I have to agree, Imus. Apparently five seconds of research is too much to ask for from this clown. Someone, please, take the mic away from this guy. He knows not what he says.

He’s pretty smart for a dumb guy, I’ll say that for him. When I’m writing up this story and attributing the proper tags to it, I have to go for the Pacman Jones tag in order to give all related previous news. If I respected his wishes and went straight with Adam, nothing would register on LBS and you’d be wondering who I was talking about. OK, so I was getting ahead of myself there. Point is that Adam Schefter reported Pacman Jones no longer wants to be addressed by his nickname, and instead wants to be called by his real name from now on — Adam Jones. That’s right, all you brazen fans out there can now burn their P. Jones jerseys — they’re worthless.

It’s a smart P.R. move coming out of the Jones camp (clearly I still haven’t decided if I’ll oblige his wishes). Jones is looking to bury the past and move on, it seems. He’s been reinstated by the league, traded to the Cowboys, and now he’s looking to grow up and rebuild his image. As much as I can’t stand what he’s done, I’m hopeful that this is one of many changes to come — all for the good. And I will oblige and call him Adam. Since I’m doing my part, he now has to do his by showing it’s not just a P.R. move, but an actual change in his character. Good to see he’s making strides in an effort to makeover his image. Now, I have one request as well: From now on, I’d like you all to call me Maestro.