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Just How Would Mini Me Do?


photo courtesy ERIC KAYNE / THE SEATTLE TIMES

I still am not sure about all the technicalities regarding the difference between dwarfs and midgets. I think it has to do with whether or not everything is in proportion, although I can’t swear to it. Either way, I’m proud to say that the Dwarf Games were held in Seattle over the weekend. To the Seattle Times for details:

[Jake] Smith, a dwarf, is among thousands of people from all over the United States meeting at the Little People of America conference and competing in the 2007 Dwarf Athletic Association of America’s National Games, both held this week in greater Seattle.

The LPA, the largest dwarf organization in the world, was founded 50 years ago as a social club and activist organization by Billy Barty, an actor with dwarfism.

He said he intended the organization to combat the perception that little people were all sideshow acts and circus freaks — perceptions he said kept people of short stature at the outer fringes of society.

Attendees of the conference said “little people,” “dwarf” and “short-statured” are all terms they use to describe themselves.

Now, given what I now know, go little people! You guys rock. And let me ask this, any chance Johnny Knoxville would try to fix these games? Any thoughts?

(via Fark)

Penalty, 10 Yards for Biting!

When it comes to football player arrests, this one might actually take the cake. Not that I even know what taking the cake means, but I guess people like that expression. Anywhoo, 23-year-old hardly used Dolphins defensive lineman Frederick Evans pulled off one of the greatest arrest stories of the NFL season. Ready for this?

The defensive tackle, who smelled of alcohol, climbed into Dieudonne Telfort’s cab on Washington Avenue and stretched out on the back seat.

”I asked him where he was going. He didn’t want to tell me,” Telfort, 56, said. “I told him, if you don’t tell me where you want to go, you have to get out of my cab.”

After Evans threw up, he took a swing at Telfort but missed.

Thirty minutes later, at 6:21 a.m., the police arrived at the scene, outside a club on the 1400 block of Washington Avenue. Evans was still lying down on the backseat.

Officers ordered Evans to get out of the cab, but he refused, and officers proceeded to place him under arrest. Evans allegedly began cursing at them as they were handcuffing him, then took a swing at one of the officers.

One officer was bitten on his left wrist and suffered several bruises; another had scrapes and bruises on her left knee, police said.

Hold your pizza for a second, it gets better. Reports say Evans was tasered again after grabbing onto a bicycle that was locked to a signpost. No joke. Probably best he got tasered for that rather than incurring a DWI for taking the cruiser for a joy ride. I mean really, does it get better than that? I’ve had drunk friends act like imbeciles before, probably doing similar shenanigans. And it’s funny when they do it. So that makes this story no different. Think about it — passing out in the back seat of a taxi cab and yacking in it? That is fantastic.

Rod Marinelli Wrestled a Bear

This is one of the cooler stories I’ve read in quite some time. Not even sure how embellished it is. Not even sure it’s true. But Nicholas J. Cotsonika tells of a tale in the Detroit Free Press of Lions head coach Rod Marinelli wrestling a bear back when he was in high school. As the story goes, Marinelli and his buddies were cruising by a car dealership that had a gimmick sign out front saying you could wrestle a bear for $10. Marinelli’s buddies got together the cash, and they set Rod on his way to wrestle Victor the Bear. Taking it from Marinelli’s buddies Gary Schram and Don Gomez…

It was cold, the mat was all wet, and this bear was smelly, let me tell you,” Schram said. “So we put the money up there, and in goes Rod. Rod did then what he does now: He went in to win.”

“There was no hesitation on the guy’s part,” Gomez said. “He flew into that thing.”

“And let me tell you,” Schram said, “he had that bear on his back in about 10 seconds.”

The Russian guy started poking Marinelli with the stick. It startled Marinelli. The bear recovered and pinned him. Marinelli reversed on him, and they went back and forth.

The Russian guy declared Victor the victor. Schram and Gomez said they cheated. Marinelli tried to be a good sport.

“Rod goes over to shake the bear’s hand,” Gomez said, laughing. “The bear doesn’t know he’s coming to shake hands. The bear attacked him again.”

What would be more impressive is if Marinelli could find a way to beat the Bears. But I definitely see why the Lions hired him. Talk about commanding respect in the locker room. Sheesh.

Byron Houston Really Likes Jacking it

This has to be one of the best stories I’ve come across in quite some time. Inspired by Eddie Griffin, former Oklahoma State basketball star and four-year NBA veteran, Byron Houston, decided the middle of the intersection would be the perfect place to fulfill his manly needs.

A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver’s seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard, and the woman positively identified him, Knight said.

Houston was arrested on counts of indecent exposure, engaging in a lewd act and driving with a canceled license. He was held at the Oklahoma County Jail on $4,000 bond. The district attorney’s office had not filed charges Thursday.

Worst part of the story possibly, is that Houston has a history of indecent exposure. Apparently he pleaded guilty to three counts of it in 2003, and he’s also a registered petter-asser. Nicely done Byron, nicely done.

Football Coach Wayne Kuklinski Is a Petter-Asser

There are some people whose faces just scream the words “child molester.” Brad Pitt is not one of those. Former Lake Zurich High School head football coach Wayne Kuklinski is. Check out his mug. Not surprisingly, the guy’s heading to the clink for eight days and two years of probation. For some pretty disgusting crap I have to say.

Kuklinski was charged with 30 counts of possessing child pornography, one count of distributing child pornography, and three counts of possessing weapons with no valid registration. He was arrested Dec. 19 after being trapped in an Internet sting operation. Each pornography count carried a potential sentence of up to five years in prison upon conviction, but was also probationable.

Kuklinski contacted a person he thought was a 15-year-old girl but was actually Detective Sean Gallagher of the Highland Park Police Department. Kuklinski e-mailed the “girl” a graphic of a man’s genitals that he had claimed was of him, but was in fact a downloaded image of someone else, according to Fix, chief of felony trial division of the Lake County State’s Attorney’s Office. Kuklilnski also arranged to meet the “girl” on Oct. 31 but did not appear.

A search was conducted of his home and two computers in the 34000 block of North Fischer Drive. Fix said 30 images of child pornography were found, depicting children as young as infants engaging in sexual acts, including sexual penetration and bondage. Also found was evidence of solicited chats with 12- to 17-year-old children.

OK now. Let me just ask this — where does one come upon images of infants engaging in sexual acts? And what 59-year-old is turned on by such disgusting crap? And let me ask this as well: which is worse, trying to hook up with a 15-year-old, or sending her a pic of someone else’s johnson cuz you were too embarrassed to send your own? Tough calls. Just think, this dude was in charge hundreds of teenage boys after school every day. And he was trying to steal their girlfriends too.

Manager Phillip Wellman Is a Beauty

Thanks to my man Jay of My Sports Talk for passing along this fantastic gem of a video. It’s of minor league manager Phillip Wellman. I would give you the description, but that would just take away from the magnificence of it, ya know? So just watch for yourself:

The fact that he’s a short, stocky, bald guy makes this all that much better. And for my money, it doesn’t get much better than Wellman going Full Metal Jacket on the rosin bag. Oh, that is priceless. It’s a toss up between this, and Joe Mikulik for best performance by a manager while getting tossed. I think the Oscar goes to Wellman.

Damn Coaches and Their Internet Porn

With a nod to Michael David Smith at FanHouse, Pro Football Talk is reporting one of the juiciest rumors around. It sounds like one of those absolute worst nightmares come true. It’s a situation you and I have been in many times before — where you only wished you could have had an email back right after you hit the send button. Oh, that damned send button!

A league source tells us that an assistant coach with an NFL team attempted on Friday to forward a pornographic e-mail.

If his goal was to send it to every General Manager in the league, he was successful.

The list also included their secretaries. Oh, and the Comissioner got it, too.

We know who the coach is, but we’re not going to reveal the name until we get confirmation from one more source as to the coach’s identity.

Said the source: “I’m really shocked it hasn’t hit the papers. Someone is doing a great job covering it up. But the whole league knows about it.

That is fantastic. Oh yeah, and it sucks for the coach. Lets see, so the “I wish I had that email back” counter is now at two.