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Saturday, August 17, 2019

Everything Else

The Three Step Process to Denying Performance-Enhancing Drug Usage

Recently, OJ Mayo joined the long list of professional athletes who were caught using an illicit performance-enhancing substance and subsequently caught using a bad excuse to explain usage of said substance. Based on the now predictable response of those who have been found guilty, the doping playbook uses a three-step process to react to a positive test. Number one: look surprised. Step two: deny all accountability. Three: if all else fails blame it on an over-the-counter supplement/energy drink or some other poor faceless schlub.

Heart, chemistry, teamwork. These were once the hallmarks of sportsmanship. Now, the only time you hear about heart is when there is an enlarged one from supplementation. The chemistry is supplied by ne’er-do-wells Vince Galea and Victor Conte. And, teamwork only exists when one player is helping another with steroid, er, Vitamin B-12 injections. Baseball has been racked with so many allegations, one would half expect the 2013 Hall of Fame induction class to include cream, clear, and Report, Mitchell to be enshrined. Heck, if you total up the number of home runs hit as a result of the trio, it makes Ruth and Aaron’s power look like that of Rowan and Martin.

What happened to the days where athletes got by on grit, toughness, and, perhaps, a horse tranquilizer or four? Eh, you probably misremembered those days, too. I presume there’s no blood test for gumption, or a urine test for elbow grease. Nowadays, it’s out with the old in with the “-ol.” Heck, even the producers of the chicken at the market go out of their way to say “steroid-free.” (Presumably, these chickens were killed because they could not keep up with the birds that were drugged.)

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Report: A-Rod Flipped Out Over Cameron Diaz Popcorn Feeding Incident

By now I’m sure you have all seen the video of Cameron Diaz feeding Alex Rodriguez popcorn at the Super Bowl.  While some of us think it just makes him look like even more of a pansy than we already thought he was, others probably don’t think it’s a big deal at all.  Come to think of it, I may be as big an A-Rod hater as they come but even I don’t think it was the end of the world.  It was just a couple being a couple.  Apparently A-Rod disagrees.

On Tuesday, a Fox source told the Chicago Sun-Times that A-Rod threw a nutty when he realized what had been shown to the 111 million viewers watching the Super Bowl. “He really went ballistic — thinking the cameraman was out to get them in a paparazzi-like shot. … That’s so crazy,” the source said. “Anyone who knows anything about producing a live sports event — especially something as huge as the Super Bowl — would know that those celebrity shots are purely random. A-Rod, of all people, should know that.”

The source also said that once A-Rod saw the shot he had to be given a guarantee that it would not be shown again on the television broadcast because he was so upset. If that isn’t a terrific example of someone admitting they looked like a tool bag on national television then I don’t know what is.  I know I’m contradicting myself and it’s fun to make fun of athletes for stuff like this, but is it really that big of a deal?  Maybe he was afraid all his other girlfriends would be jealous.

Cameron Diaz Feeds A-Rod Popcorn at Super Bowl (Video)

Something strange happened at the Super Bowl on Sunday night: the halftime show wasn’t the most pathetic moment of the evening. By no means am I saying the Black Eyed Peas were good, but thanks to a certain athlete-celebrity couple it didn’t take long for viewers to want to rip their eyes out.  Check out the video of Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn:

I think I speak for everyone except delusional Yankee fans when I say nobody wanted to see that.  Use your own hands, bro — America already thinks you’re a big enough pansy as it is. Save that crap for your NYC helicopter rides. Thanks to YouTube user mocksessiondotcom for the video.

Video: Osirian Portal Wrestlers Use Hypnosis, Dance Moves in Hilarious Match

Combat Zone Wrestling, based out of Philadelphia, provides what it calls “ultraviolent entertainment.” The company tag line, “like nothing else,” is definitely appropriate considering the content of this video that has recently gone viral of a wrestling match that includes hypnosis and break dancing. We don’t say this very often, but this is must-see stuff:

The two masked fighters are the tag-team duo known as Osirian Portal. The people of Philadelphia are world-renowned for their class, class, class, and this video is another example of that quality. You’ve got to love the announcer’s comments on the “rack” of the fat guy in the Superman underwear and his mangling of the word hypnosis with “hyp-na-tosis.” This just furthers the image the rest of the world has of us as stupid Americans.

Thanks to ChillsVideoTube for the video.

Sumo Wrestlers Probed for Fixing Matches

Wrestling matches being fixed? Now there’s a shocker! It’s one thing if it’s the WWE and people love the events because of the hype and spectacle, but it’s completely different when you’re talking about something as sacred and full of pageantry as sumo wrestling in Japan.

The latest scandal involving sumo wrestlers was uncovered because of a previous probe into shady sumo dealings.

While investigating several wrestlers a year ago to see if they were illegally betting on baseball games, emails were uncovered that suggested wrestlers were communicating pre-fight. The Mainichi Daily News says “e-mails even apparently go so far as to list amounts to be paid and bank account numbers, as well as how exactly the fixed bouts would unfold in the ring.”

First U.S. baseball is rocked by the steroids era, and now we’re learning that the sacred culture of Japanese sumo wrestling is no different from Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels breaking chairs on each other’s back. Somewhere in Japan, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy just committed suicide.

Major League II Started Big Ball Dance, Not Sam Cassell or Eddie House

I’m not sure what’s more upsetting, the lack of knowledge regarding the origin of the “Big Ball Dance,” or that the NBA actually fines people for doing it. See, the origin of the Big Ball Dance dates back to 1994 and the release of Major League II. In the movie, Pedro Cerrano has made a transition from hot-head to peaceful lover, and a slump ensues. Japanese import Isuro Kamikaze Tanaka mocks Cerrano for being a sissy, and tells him one day in the locker room that he needs to sack up. Tanaka uses a dictionary to find the Japanese translation of balls and comically ends up saying Cerrano “has no marbles.”

The “no marbles” chant is used to goad Cerrano the rest of the movie. Angered by the taunts, Cerrano winds up hitting monster home runs and does the “Big Ball Dance” as a way to shut Tanaka up (as you can see above). The whole marbles thing is one aspect of the movie that was memorable, and that made it funny and cute. Every time I see an NBA player use that celebration, I think back to Major League II and laugh. But apparently someone in the commissioner’s office is clueless and taking things all the wrong way.

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Fans Create Vince Lombardi Super Bowl XLV Snow Trophy

Jimmy Traina featured this replica Vince Lombardi Trophy made out of snow at SI Hot Clicks and damn, is it impressive. Anthony DeMeo tweeted out the pic and says credit for the sculpture goes to craig lotito of staten island, ny and shoutout to his sons craig jr., michael, and joseph.

All I know is that I keep hearing from Del about how bad the snowstorm has been in the New England area. Alright Del, now you know what you have to live up to. I expect a snow replica of Cowboys Stadium on the double.