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Saturday, April 21, 2018

People who could use a hug on Valentine’s Day

  • The referee from the Oregon/Oklahoma game, because he got fired and received death threats
  • Bobby Knight because it might actually make him feel human emotion
  • Art Shell because not everyone can go 2-14, survive a mole trying to get him fired, and still come out walking on the other side
  • Doc Rivers because 18 straight sucks
  • Tony Romo because an entire fan base wants to kill him
  • Maria Sharapova because I’d like to give her one
  • Ana Ivanovic because (see Sharapova) plus she’s probably hotter
  • Ron Artest because he looks like he could use one
  • Denny Green because his team blew a 23-3 3rd quarter lead (and because the BEARS ARE WHO HE THOUGHT THEY WERE)
  • Andy Reid’s children because they’re probably mad at their dad
  • Reggie Bush because the Trojan family cut ties with him (allegedly)
  • Melo because then he might not have felt like he needed to run away
  • Terrell Owens because then he might not need the attention so badly
  • Evander Holyfield because everyone tells him he’s too old to fight
  • Maurice Clarett because he’s a total mess
  • Rex Grossman because it would be cool to know how the Sex Cannon feels
  • Michelle Wie because after-all, she’s still just 16
  • Glen Mason because his team blew a 38-7 3rd quarter lead at the Insight Bowl and he got fired over it (this is Minnesota we’re talking about)
  • Barry Bonds because nobody wanted to sign him
  • Mike Tyson because he probably never got one as a kid
  • Marty Schottenheimer because word of the forward pass hasn’t reached him yet
  • Jose Canseco because everyone in baseball probably hates him, and because he couldn’t cut it in the Golden Baseball League
  • Jason Grimsley because, well, see Jose Canseco (minus the Golden League thing)
  • Reggie Campbell of Navy because he fumbled the pitch in the last minutes of Meineke Bowl, and they lost on a last second field goal
  • Chris Simms because he had to play with a ruptured spleen to prove us wrong
  • Rick Ankiel because he couldn’t cut it as a pitcher or outfielder
  • J.J. Redick because who knew the NBA would be so tough
  • The entire ATP tour because with Federer on it, it’s the only way they might feel like winners
  • Dikembe Mutumbo because everyone keeps making fun of his age
  • Chris Pronger because the city of Edmonton wants to kill him
  • Ben Wallace because I support headbands
  • Phil Mickelson because of Winged Foot, you know what, he has a hot wife, scratch that
  • Sylvester Stallone because he had to make another Rocky in order to feel relevant
  • Iona because 1-24 probably isn’t a lot of fun
  • Vijay Singh because it would probably suck to be on a tour where nobody likes you
  • The family that walks on all fours, courtesy of PBS, because they probably don’t know what a hug is
  • The WNBA because they get made fun of too much (on second hand…)
  • And finally, Luis Polonia, because GP John said so

All additions to the list welcome in the comments section. Happy Valentine’s Day

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