With all the memes and the merriment of All-Star Weekend 2017 now officially in the books (not to mention the universe-shattering Boogie Cousins blockbuster), Thursday’s NBA trade deadline looms overs us with an urgency befitting of the Jaws theme. These next few days have the potential to turn pretenders into contenders or contenders into Crying Jordans. So as short-term and long-term destinies hang delicately in the balance, it’s time to have a gander at the five teams most in need of a move before the clock strikes 3 PM Eastern Standard Time on February 23.
1. Oklahoma City Thunder
If the Oklahoma City Westbrooks are interested in a serious playoff push, they’re going to need more than No. 0 letting out a primal roar as he charges solo into battle every night like Bluto after giving the “Germans bombed Pearl Harbor” speech in Animal House.
While Victor Oladipo has proven to be a worthy vice president and Steven Adams has the mad game to go along with the mad ‘stache, the OKC bench has been quite the wasteland this season, especially since Enes Kanter assaulted a piece of furniture. Cameron Payne is still working his way back from foot surgery, Alex Abrines looks like Generic Euro Player No. 47 on NBA 2K, and I’m fairly certain that Kyle Singler’s basketball skills are fake news.
The numbers support the brutality as well.
Since the Kanter injury, the Thunder bench ranks 22nd in the league in points per game and dead last in field goal percentage. They’re also getting outscored by 9.1 points per 100 possessions over that span, which basically means it’s rest in peace every OKC lead whenever Westbrook sits. Would they benefit from acquiring a dynamite perimeter scorer (maybe this very available Laker?) to hold down the fort for the second unit until Kanter gets back? Perhaps. But we won’t know unless general manager Sam Presti picks up that dang phone.
2. Washington Wizards
So remember how I was harping on the Thunder bench just now? The Wizards bench makes them look like the freakin’ ’95-’96 Bulls.
29th in points per game, 29th in three-pointers made, 30th in rebounds per game, 30th in assists per game. All for THE ENTIRE SEASON. With those kinds of rankings, I wouldn’t be surprised if head coach Scott Brooks has been conditioned to develop acid reflux every time the substitution horn sounds.
The good news for the DC metropolitan is that the chronic turd laying of the Washington second unit hasn’t really mattered because of the Herculean performance of their starting five, a well-oiled machine chugging along on chemistry, continuity, defense, three-point shooting, unselfishness, and John Wall snatching dudes’ souls. It’s on the supernatural strength of that brigade that the Wizards find themselves at 34-21 on the year, third in the conference, and one of three Eastern teams with an increasingly real chance of pushing the Cleveland Cavaliers to brink of the flat earth.
Still, with one of those other teams, the Toronto Raptors, locking and loading with the acquisition of Serge Ibaka, the Wizards’ starting five, bless their hearts, likely won’t be able to lone wolf the trek to the top of the East. So unless the front office has accepted Ian Mahinmi’s return from injury as their lord and savior, it’s probably time to send in the reinforcements via trade.
3. Memphis Grizzlies
Certain necessary measures have to be taken to ensure the continued survival of Grit ‘N’ Grind in the modern NBA, and first-year head coach David Fizdale has already enacted most of them. From utilizing Zach Randolph’s old-man-at-the-YMCA game as his go-to weapon off the bench to convincing Marc Gasol that chicks do, in fact, dig the three-ball, Fizdale has helped the once-fading Grizzlies to a 34-24 record and the No. 6 spot out West.
But Memphis’ wing scoring is still Death Valley incarnate (in large part due to Chandler Parsons’ season sinking faster than the Titanic), and they currently own a bottom-five offense in terms of points per game and a bottom-one offense (translation: they’re last, bruh!) in terms of field goal percentage.
Holding onto the sixth playoff seed would coincidentally give the Grizzlies a first-round date with the Tommy Gun offense of the Houston Rockets.
If Memphis is looking for a way to better counter that firepower (as they probably should be), the Atlanta Hawks have somebody to offer as do the Brooklyn Nets and several others. Just please, for the love of God Shammgod, make something happen, because I’m sure as heck not watching Troy Daniels and a fossilized Vince Carter jack up threes for the rest of the season.
4. Boston Celtics
By now, we know that Isaiah Thomas is a 5-foot-9 Molotov cocktail rigged to detonate every single fourth quarter. But with the Cavs looking more vulnerable than ever, can the second-place C’s afford to stand pat through another deadline? They don’t have very much spot-up shooting with Avery Bradley banged up, 37 different guys on the roster are tussling for backup minutes, and marquee offseason addition Al Horford couldn’t get a rebound if he was standing outside of a divorce lawyer’s office.
For many years now, the Celtics have been basketball Xanadu for irrational Trade Machine fantasies and Internet message board scuttlebutt thanks to the fact that they’re home to the NBA’s greatest Treasure Island of movable assets, young talents and high lottery selections alike. But deadline after deadline, GM Danny Ainge sits on his hands and simply allows all those assets to grow moldy. Well, don’t you think it’s high time for him to bring out the Clorox and make a splash, be it a Jimmy Buckets-sized one, a PG-13 rated one, or otherwise? Gotta pick the fruit when it’s ripe or else it goes bad, Danny Boy.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers
If you take a look at the Krabby Patty secret formula for repeating as NBA champions in the modern era, one of the most vital ingredients is an upgraded supporting cast. The ’90s Rockets needed to bring in Clyde Drexler, the late 2000s Lakers needed The Artist Formerly Known As Ron Artest, and the Big Three Miami Heat needed Ray Allen and Chris “Birdman” Andersen.
But the Cavs have zigged where former defending champs have zagged in that their roster this year is unquestionably worse than the one that won them the title last June. They lost Matthew Dellavedova and Timofey Mozgov for nothing, Kevin Love and J.R. Smith are currently in the midst of extended absences, and their big offseason signing was the very same Chris “Birdman” Andersen but a 38-year-old version of him with an ACL that was ready to go.
Now not all of that is Cleveland’s fault per se, and the January acquisition of Kyle Korver was definitely worth an ovation or two. But at what point do all those three-point shooters become redundant? Is it time for the Cavs to start pursuing upgrades in greater areas of deficiency on the roster? But will their luxury tax hell and their dried-up well of trade chips even make such an upgrade possible? And when will LeBron James finally present the rose to his preferred playmaker of choice? Let the deadline party begin.
*Stats courtesy of NBA.com*
