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No Babies for Longoria and Parker

I love it when employees are told what to do. For instance, you work at Disneyland, you can’t have facial hair; you play for Davey Johnson, you can’t wear jewelry; you work for the Knicks, you’re forced to copulate with Stephon Marbury. Well, keeping in that vain, looks like T. Parker will have to stay true to his Durex for the next year or so. From The Mirror, via Ben Maller:

If newly-wed Eva Longoria was hoping to start a family straightaway, she hadn’t reckoned on the bizarre interference of her Desperate Housewives boss.

The show’s creator Marc Cherry has slapped a sensational baby ban on Eva and her husband, French basketball star Tony Parker.

It means the couple, who got married in July, will have to wait at least a year before they can get down to the serious business of making babies.

I love that. Popovich tells his players not to get drunk and chase tail on the road, they’ll tell him to eff off. TV execs tell Longoria not to get pregnant, and Parker must oblige. Funny the way the world works. I suppose this can only be good for Tony’s career — at least he won’t have to worry about changing diapers any time soon.

Shaq’s Wife Now Wants Him Back

If there’s anything we’ve learned from the story of Shaq’s marriage and pending divorce, it’s that everything is going ass backwards. For instance, there were reports out there that Shaq was pissed his wife was being cryptic with his money, and that she potentially was nailing her personal trainer on the side. Now we’re finding out that Shaq’s wife has come to her $enses:

Like a lot of his NBA’s foes, Shaquille O’Neal’s wife is holding onto the Diesel for dear life, telling him in court papers that she doesn’t think their nearly five-year marriage is “irretrievably broken.”

Shaunie O’Neal also slam-dunks any notion, as Shaq had alleged in his own divorce petition, that she was “secretive” about her assets and also says she hasn’t done anything “untoward with assets or monies” that belonged to Big Daddy.

This entire situation is just hard to comprehend. We always hear rumors about ballplayers screwing around on their wives, but never the reverse. And come on, of all people, Shaq getting cuckolded? Like I said, seems like the woman has realized what’s best for her.

Bonds Ex-Mistress Tells of His Shrunken Nuts

Barry Bonds and Greg AndersonJust add this to the mounting evidence against Barry Bonds. To anyone who read Game of Shadows, we learned that Bonds first got interested in steroids when he saw McGwire and Sosa, who he felt were inferior hitters, belting the baseball and became jealous. That was according to his ex-mistress, Kimberly Bell, who surely has an ax to grind. Well, Bell held back no punches in an interview with the New York Daily News to promote her November spread in Playboy:

His body had grown thicker, his back was pocked with acne, his hair had fallen out and his testicles had shriveled when Bonds asked his former mistress if she thought anyone would suspect he was on the juice.

“Do I look bloated?” Bonds wanted to know. “Does it look funny? Do you think this is obvious?”

Bonds was always moody – “I always figured he had PMS, like a woman,” Bell said – but the drugs radically changed his behavior as well as his body. He became a different person, controlling, threatening and finally violent. “It went from ‘I want to know where you are at’ to ‘I’m gonna f—— kill you. I’m gonna cut your head off and leave you in a ditch.’”

Nice. Not like I trust this tramp — after all, she did nail a married man — but there has to be some truth here. And after reading this, nobody should be shocked to see Bonds indicted in the near future, even if it’s only for perjury chargers. By the way, if anyone out there buys the magazine and supports this twit, then I will be resigned to administering a merciless cyber-flogging on your ass. Purchase at your own discretion: you have been warned.

Britney to Lose the Kids?

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking … what the hell is this doing on here? To what levels have I stooped? Well, I consider everything Brit does to be fair game, so it all has a place here. Oh yeah, that, and I really couldn’t ignore the tip sent in by contributor Nick. According to Foxnews, Spears could be in danger of losing the kids. Apparently the attorney in the case has some sort of “secret” witness. Whatever. I don’t know too much about secret witnesses, nor custody cases. But there is one thing that I do know. If there’s one person who won’t be too happy about this news, it’s this person:

Sharapova and Djokovic an Item?

That’s what the New York Post is suggesting, as they’ve been known to do from time-to-time. Novak denied the rumor saying that the two are “just friends.” However, Sharapova was seen cheering for Djokovic in the finals of the US Open, and then the two reportedly followed up a Chinese dinner with all-night karaoke. Maybe there’s a reason Djokovic’s impression of Sharapova is so dead on. Just one question, if they were in fact practicing karaoke together, did it look like this?

Did Bridget Diss Tom By Not Naming the Kid Brady?

As I wrote over at FanHouse, apparently the kid has been named. And no, it’s not Jonathan Brady, as was originally reported. His name, pay attention to the initials, is John Edward Thomas Moynahan. William Van Landingham thinks the kid has a long name. So the Jet does not have Tom’s surname. Is that a slap in the face to Brady? Me thinks that could be the case — especially since he appears to be a concerned father and since he’ll most likely be providing tons of financial support.

Then again, it will be easier for the kid to grow up out of his father’s shadow. Somewhat. It’s not as if Moynahan’s a popular name — people will know who his parents are. Anyways, men, where are you here? Isn’t this pretty jacked up? Shouldn’t the kid at least have a hyphenated name or something? He’s got half Brady blood in him, doesn’t he? Isn’t Tom getting a raw deal in all this?

Is Baron Davis Playing the Field?

Earlier in the month we had rumors that Baron Davis and Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher were smitten with each other. People said they were practically in love. If that’s the case, then what’s up with Baron being seen around town with Lauren London? Does that make the rumors false? Maybe not, says Bossip:

A source close to Bossip says that the “relationship” between Baron and Lauren is just for her press coverage, but his relationship with the cougar actress is genuine. The snitch also mentioned that Lauren is a gold digger that gets around and is definitely f*ckin for tracks publicity.

Maybe Baron’s just trying to throw all of us off the scent. Who knows. But I’m all for the Baron + Teri hookup. They couldn’t be more perfect for each other. In fact, wouldn’t it be tight if the entire Desperate crew dated NBA stars?