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Thursday, April 26, 2018

Parents of Athletes Who Should be Jailed for Giving Their Sons Awful Names

In 2008 startling news broke about a New Zealand couple whose daughter was taken away from them because of the name they gave her. At first it sounded unfair– I mean shouldn’t parents have the right to name their child whatever they want?

Then I saw the name and I immediately applauded the Kiwi legal system for its swift and impartial justice. The poor child who was receiving enough ridicule at school that she refused to divulge her name and asked only to be referred to as “K” was officially named … Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

According to the article the judge was taking a stand against parents who give their children outrageous names, and he even listed a few that have been banned by registration officials: Stallion, Yeah Detroit, Fish and Chips, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy, Sex Fruit, twins called Benson and Hedges, other children called Midnight Chardonnay, Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence.

“Violence” seems ridiculous but my fiancee actually played basketball in high school with a girl named “Felon”, so I didn’t find that one as hard to believe as “Sex Fruit” or “Number 16 Bus Shelter” (I’m assuming that’s where the unfortunate child was conceived?).

Anyway, all this talk of crazy names got me thinking about the subsegment of society with the highest frequency of indescribably bad forenames: athletes.

Athletes’ mothers must have a sixth sense that whispers to them while their child is in the womb, “This baby is going to be an athlete. Please give him or her a ridiculous name.” As a result, we have some of the most unimaginable names in the history of mankind. Please see the following evidence:

Markieff Morris, Phoenix Suns forward – the sad thing is that his twin brother has the traditional Ancient Roman name of Marcus meaning, “given to Mars.” In case you were wondering, Markieff means “you will be incessantly made fun of in life so you better be a 6’10”, 230 pound professional basketball player.” Lucky for him…

Scientific Mapp, Former Florida A&M guard – He makes his brother’s name (Majestic Mapp, former University of Virgina hoopster) look like Steve. Apparently Mama Mapp was paying the ultimate homage to Amerigo Vespucci and other famous cartographers.

Plaxico Burress, Former Rikers Island Intramural Football Team MVP– The good folks at AllBabyNames.com tell me that this name is of unknown origin (aka, it’s made up) and means “peaceful.” It continues, “People with the name Plaxico are competent, practical, and often obtain great power and wealth.” Well, one out of three ain’t bad. It would get you to the Hall of Fame in Major League Baseball.

LaceDarius Dunn, Former Baylor University Guard – Well, if it’s a girl I like the name “Lace.” If it’s a boy I kind of like “Darius.” Wait…I’m getting an idea…

D’Brickashaw Ferguson, New York Jets Left Tackle – This name looks completely invented, but Mr. Ferguson is actually named after Father Ralph de Bricassart from “The Thorn Birds.”

So he’s actually named after the “ambitious priest” from a cheesy ’80s network miniseries? I didn’t know it was possible, but I actually feel worse for the guy now.

Those are just five out of a list that could go on for days. Please leave your additions in the comment box and be sure to jot down the address of the athletes’ parents so that we can track them down and bring them to justice.

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