George Brett once shared one of the greatest stories you will ever hear a Hall of Fame baseball player tell, and I will do my part to make sure as many people as possible hear about it.
I happened to be out with my dad and sister last night and we were talking late ’80s/early ’90s baseball since the last time my sister followed MLB was back when Ryne Sandberg and Mark Grace were manning the right side of the Chicago Cubs’ infield. One name that came up was George Brett, so naturally I had to ask whether they had seen this great video. They had not. Make sure you do.
Brett was hanging out with the Royals one spring training and decided to volunteer to one of the players that he sh-t his pants the night before. Brett, who stated that he’s good for pooping his pants about twice a year, then broke into a story about the time he crapped his pants at the Bellagio in Las Vegas a few years earlier.
The whole story is so brown it’s golden.
Brett says he got food poisoning from some crabs at a steakhouse and was unable to control his bowels while walking through the hotel. He called a friend to come help him and had to describe the exact spot in the hotel where he was standing because he was afraid of moving any further lest more crap come out. The friend brought him a towel and pair of pants. They went to a bathroom where George toweled off, left his clothes behind and walked through the hotel barefoot in some size 48-inch waist pants.
Think about how awesome that video is. You’ve got some poor player who obviously feels uncomfortable about the whole thing — so uncomfortable that he moves away — and Brett follows him to finish telling the story. It’s like the guy’s as proud of this story as he is about his 1980 MVP award.
What’s truly incredible is that of all the incredible details Brett shares, the way he ends it has to be the peak.
“Got up in the morning, took the most perfect double-tapered sh-t I’ve ever taken in my life. True story.”
Hang on, what the heck is a double-tapered deuce? I’d never heard that before Brett.
After Brett coins the term “double-tapered sh-t,” which by the way has made it into the Urban Dictionary, he then transitions to real baseball in the most casual manner possible.
“Who’s the pitchers in this game?”
George Brett, who poops his pants, just wants to know who’s pitching in the game. Great way to wrap up this story,. Brett.
Seriously, though, how awesome was that tale? It’s so amazing it needs to be added to Brett’s Hall of Fame plaque in Cooperstown:
“George Brett, 13-time All-Star, 1980 MVP Award winner, led the league in hitting three times and had one of the purest swings in baseball. A corner infield who spent his entire career playing for the Kansas City Royals, Brett is good for sh-tting his pants twice a year.”
I wonder what happened with the clothes he left behind in the bathroom. You think those made it onto eBay? I mean it’d be easy to DNA test and authenticate them as the real defecated clothes. I’d buy ‘em. I’d frame ‘em and toss ‘em in my living room and tell everyone that these here are the clothes George Brett was wearing the night he sh-t himself in the Bellagio. Heck, I’d pay more money for those than his pine tar bat.
Someone later created an autotone version of the story. That is below.