[clears throat and does best ancient Roman accent]
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!?
After countless visits to the Woj bomb shelter and copious mashing of the F5 button, this year’s NBA trade deadline is now in the rearview mirror — but not before New Orleans became a Boogie Wonderland, Jeanie Buss executed Order 66, and Danny Ainge slept through all of his alarms yet again. As the salary cap dust finally begins to settle, let’s go for a deep dive into the 10 biggest takeaways from Trade SZN 2K17.
1. The Southwest Division has become a meat grinder
In their shocking acquisition of three-time All-Star center DeMarcus Cousins from the SacrHAHAHAHAmento Kings, the New Orleans Pelicans managed to melt our faces off and give the ultimate middle finger to small-ball all at once.
Cousins will join forces with Anthony Davis to form what is easily the NBA’s most fearsome frontcourt duo since Tim Duncan and David Robinson, and he very well could lift the team to a Godzilla vs. King Kong-esque clash of styles against the Golden State Warriors in the first round of the playoffs.
But while the Cousins bombshell dominated all of the headlines, the Houston Rockets upgraded their own weapon system by trading for former Sixth Man of the Year Lou Williams, a top-tier bench scorer and yet another threes-and-free-throws enthusiast, to toss into Daryl Morey’s cauldron. And with the omnipresent San Antonio Spurs again cruising to a 60-plus win season, the Memphis Grizzlies modernizing nicely, and the Dallas Mavericks somehow still kicking, we may officially have a new Division of Death in the Association.
2. The East is now as wide open as it’s been in years
A faint glimmer of hope shines intermittently in the distance to signal the possible end of LeBron James’ reign of terror over the Eastern Kingdom. That glimmer may actually be the Ibaka Flocka Flame that the Toronto Raptors lit this trade deadline, an acquisition that should improve their spacing and help remedy their chronic problem of bleeding easy buckets at the rim in crunchtime. Their late addition of P.J. Tucker as a LeBron-stopper of sorts has the potential to be enormous as well, especially due to the fact that he was had for the price of a negative asset in Jared Sullinger and a pair of inconsequential second-rounders.
But don’t sleep on the Washington Wizards either now that they no longer have a cardboard cutout of a second unit thanks to the acquisition of Bojan Bogndanovic from Brooklyn.
Bogdanovic’s friskiness off the bounce and his 36.6 percent career mark from deep give the Wiz a legitimate sixth man instead having to trot out The Ghosts of Power Conference Studs Past in Trey Burke and Kelly Oubre Jr. Now as long their starting five continues to swipe lunch money, Washington is set up to a be yuge headache come playoff time.
And to think that we haven’t even gotten to the team that’s mathematically closest to the Cavaliers yet…
3. The Boston Celtics are still waiting for the right time to pounce
“This will be the year that Danny Ainge finally awakens from his trade deadline slumber,” we repeated to ourselves as we slowly rocked back and forth in the fetal position. But alas, Ainge has once again taken the advice of the Magic Conch Shell and done nothing.
Paul George? Sike. Andre Drummond? Ask again later. Jimmy Butler? LOL.
In fairness, there’s not as much urgency to deal for a superstar when the Celtics have already witnessed one emerge in-house this season in Mighty Mouse Isaiah Thomas. Ainge may also want to see a healthy Avery Bradley get more reps with this current core and wait to see where that much-ballyhooed Brooklyn pick will actually fall so as to make a more well-informed decision about the future of his team.
But time is of the essence with the Cavaliers, who are just three games ahead of Boston entering the second half of the season, beginning to show signs of mortality, so it’s still tough to justify the Celtics sitting on their hands instead of throwing them.
And since we keep mentioning those pesky Clevelanders…
4. The Cavaliers are walking a dangerous tightrope
LeBron James just hit all of his prospective playmakers with a resounding “It’s not you, it’s me.” Granted, a pre-deadline move was a longshot with the capped-out, asset-deficient reality the Cavs were forced to work with, especially since they gave up what little they had left to acquire sharpshooter Kyle Korver. But it’s still a highway to the danger zone to maintain status quo when the roster only runs six or seven deep right now thanks to the respective injury absences of J.R. Smith and Kevin Love.
Fortunately though, deadline inaction is far from nuclear Armageddon for the Cavs.
The buyout market is still a viable place to acquire cheap, albeit exiled, talent in order to retool for a playoff run. Ditto for the often-overlooked 10-day contract cycle, which they recently took advantage of with the signing of ex-No. 2 overall pick Derrick Williams. So while time is very much ticking on Cleveland, there’s still an ample amount of sand in their hourglass, and hopefully that means their title defense doesn’t fall flat (no pun intended).
5. Several more months of Carmelo Anthony rumors await us
#StayMe7o he did indeed, much to the chagrin of those of us who felt compelled to bang our heads repeatedly against our keyboards thanks to the constant bombardment of Carmelo chatter and the gross societal overuse of the phrase “no-trade clause.” Well, those therapy sessions now look like a pretty darn good investment with Anthony surviving the trade deadline and ensuring that many more months of Melo-brand Instagram shade, indecipherable Phil Jackson subtweets, and Spike Lee sideline struggle faces are looming on the horizon to assault the senses of the NBA fandom.
Where do the Knicks go from here?
At 23-34, they’ve all but clinched another season of futility. Meanwhile, Derrick Rose will likely be gonzo after the year, but Joakim Noah will still be around to clog cap, and Kristaps Porzingis will continue to have his development stunted by the team’s Melo-centric offense. Then draft season arrives followed shortly after by the 2017-18 campaign, and we fire up the Anthony hot stove all over again. Are we having fun yet?!?
