Bartolo Colon Wasn’t Missing, He Was Just a Depressed Michael Jackson Fan

If you’re familiar with LBS, you are well-aware of our (read: my) affinity for Ozzie Guillen quotes. What can I say? The guy’s a priceless Hall of Famer who keeps me in business. Well Ozzie certainly brought his A-Game to the yard when speaking about Bartolo Colon, who was reported as “missing” by the White Sox as of Wednesday. Luckily Ozzie explained why the team was unable to locate their pitcher who was supposed to begin a rehab assignment:

“I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan,” Guillen said. “He maybe was in LA at his funeral, because I can’t find him. Nobody knows how big of a Michael Jackson fan Colon was. I’m serious. He might be depressed a little bit.

“To talk to Colon, you’ve got to talk to 20 different people. You got to talk to 30 different cousins, and then to his agent, who talks to his brother, his brother call his wife, his wife say he’s with Pedro, Pedro say he’s with Juan,” said Guillen, having a little fun with the subject. “I guarantee you I’ll call [President Barack] Obama, and we’ll have a talk before Colon answers the phone. Obama will put me on hold for one second.

Every one of us has that friend who’s impossible to reach just like Bartolo. It must be so frustrating for teams when this happens — you have a player under contract, under your control, and you can’t reach him. I remember when that happened to the Braves with Willy Aybar. What can you even do in those circumstances? I guess in Colon’s case, you can fire up some carne asada in Charlotte and then you’ll ensure he shows up.