It was only yesterday that the American Mustache Institute threw its support behind Jason Giambi and his mustache, in hopes of promoting Giambi to win the final spot for the AL All-Star team. Apparently feeling that their comments could not impact the catcher because he had already been voted onto the team by the fans, the American Society of Goatees denounced Cubs catcher Geovany Soto for his awful goatee:
In a statement released on Tuesday, the American Society of Goatees denounced Chicago Cubs catcher Geovany Soto for his choice in facial hair. “Mr. Soto’s goatee can hardly be qualified as one. It is kept far too thin and was never meant to be worn that way,” said Chad Barrett, spokesman for the ASG. “We are pleased that he has decided to remove the mustache part, and we are hoping for a fuller, better-looking goatee in the future.”
Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. I’m not sure why the ASG decided to pick on Soto given how successful he’s been this year — that’s just mean. No word yet from the U.S. Sideburns Club on approval of opposing All-Star catcher, Joe Mauer. Guess it’s on them now.
Note: This never actually happened (outside of my mind).
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While we recognize the outstanding athletic abilities of Chicago Cubs catcher Geovany Soto, the American Mustache Institute – the bravest organization in the history of mankind – does not recognize goatees, or for that matter, beards. Each of these pathetic forms of facial hair represents what we at AMI called the “Spousal Compromise.” And where as a mustache is indicative of strength and manhood, goatees and beards tell us that weakness surrounds us at every turn and that a man must compromise with his spouse. Carry on.
Larry, you’re picking on another Cub, again. Are you just trying to get my goatee?