- The referee from the Oregon/Oklahoma game, because he got fired and received death threats
- Bobby Knight because it might actually make him feel human emotion
- Art Shell because not everyone can go 2-14, survive a mole trying to get him fired, and still come out walking on the other side
- Doc Rivers because 18 straight sucks
- Tony Romo because an entire fan base wants to kill him
- Maria Sharapova because I’d like to give her one
- Ana Ivanovic because (see Sharapova) plus she’s probably hotter
- Ron Artest because he looks like he could use one
- Denny Green because his team blew a 23-3 3rd quarter lead (and because the BEARS ARE WHO HE THOUGHT THEY WERE)
- Andy Reid’s children because they’re probably mad at their dad
- Reggie Bush because the Trojan family cut ties with him (allegedly)
- Melo because then he might not have felt like he needed to run away
- Terrell Owens because then he might not need the attention so badly
- Evander Holyfield because everyone tells him he’s too old to fight
- Maurice Clarett because he’s a total mess
- Rex Grossman because it would be cool to know how the Sex Cannon feels
- Michelle Wie because after-all, she’s still just 16
- Glen Mason because his team blew a 38-7 3rd quarter lead at the Insight Bowl and he got fired over it (this is Minnesota we’re talking about)
- Barry Bonds because nobody wanted to sign him
- Mike Tyson because he probably never got one as a kid
- Marty Schottenheimer because word of the forward pass hasn’t reached him yet
- Jose Canseco because everyone in baseball probably hates him, and because he couldn’t cut it in the Golden Baseball League
- Jason Grimsley because, well, see Jose Canseco (minus the Golden League thing)
- Reggie Campbell of Navy because he fumbled the pitch in the last minutes of Meineke Bowl, and they lost on a last second field goal
- Chris Simms because he had to play with a ruptured spleen to prove us wrong
- Rick Ankiel because he couldn’t cut it as a pitcher or outfielder
- J.J. Redick because who knew the NBA would be so tough
- The entire ATP tour because with Federer on it, it’s the only way they might feel like winners
- Dikembe Mutumbo because everyone keeps making fun of his age
- Chris Pronger because the city of Edmonton wants to kill him
- Ben Wallace because I support headbands
- Phil Mickelson because of Winged Foot, you know what, he has a hot wife, scratch that
- Sylvester Stallone because he had to make another Rocky in order to feel relevant
- Iona because 1-24 probably isn’t a lot of fun
- Vijay Singh because it would probably suck to be on a tour where nobody likes you
- The family that walks on all fours, courtesy of PBS, because they probably don’t know what a hug is
- The WNBA because they get made fun of too much (on second hand…)
- And finally, Luis Polonia, because GP John said so
All additions to the list welcome in the comments section. Happy Valentine’s Day
