The shoddiest MLB season preview you will read

March is now, like my usual communiqués, a distant memory. In my household we know that the month of April has arrived as it comes annually at some point between the strains of “One Shining Moment” playing over old summer camp footage of me and just before the first pitch is thrown, and subsequently hit out of Dodger Stadium by the visiting team. On that note, I bring you my second edition of the Shoddiest Baseball Preview Ever. As with last year’s version, don’t take too much stock in the predictions: they are unlikely to come true. I’m not completely sure, but I can tell you that most of my 2011 premonitions were about as credible as Total Gym being the solution to my fitness needs. That includes my prophesy that Al Jolson would somehow be resurrected and hit the winning home run in Game 7 of the Mets championship run last year. Don’t try to look it up. It didn’t happen.

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks: Expect the D-Backs to treat the division about as well as current manager Kirk Gibson did with clubhouse attendants back in the 1980s. Players like Bloomquist, Collmenter, and Goldschmidt suggest that Arizona is trying to stimulate the economy by shelling out money on extra uniform-stitching costs.

San Francisco Giants: The team that brought baseball Bobby Thomson’s “Shot” and Barry’s illicit shots is hoping that Bruce Bochy is hiding an offensive game plan somewhere in that mustache. This week, Matt Cain signed a six-year, $127.5 million-dollar deal with the club. In a related story, Abel was outrighted to AA.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Attendance levels last year were at flea market levels. On the bright side, they have a new owner in Magic Johnson, a former star basketball player hoping to liven up the downtrodden franchise. Ask the White Sox how that Michael Jordan thing worked out.

Colorado Rockies: Joined the division as an expansion team in 1998.

San Diego Padres: Could be considered an expansion team in 2012.

NL Central

St. Louis Cardinals: When you think about it, possessions are fleeting, as in Tony LaRussa, Albert Pujols, etc. Unfortunately that truism doesn’t apply to new signing Carlos Beltran.

Milwaukee Brewers: Aramis Ramirez’ arrival suggests that the recycling program is alive and well in the NL Central. Prince Fielder leaving probably will hurt this team, especially with all of the furor in the offseason about how Ryan got his brawn.

Cincinnati Reds: I’m pretty disappointed that Cincy decided not to put Didi Gregorious on their active roster, thus depriving the world of one of the best baseball names in history. Well, Homer (Bailey) should help stabilize the rotation after a disappointing 2011 season for the team. D’oh!

Chicago Cubs: Cubbie fans will be disappointed when they realize Theo Epstein can’t really swing the bat too well.

Pittsburgh Pirates: The team has about as many pitchers on the roster as the German symphonic death metal group Haggard has band members (look it up). Still, how will this season be for the Buccos? AAAHHHHHRRRR-duous!!!

Houston Astros: Any chance they can expedite that move to the American League?

NL East

Philadelphia Phillies: The triumvirate of Halladay, Lee, and Hamels did not quite work out as well as Manny, Moe, and Jack. Maybe they should have read the Charlie Manuel. Unfortunately, Chase Utley’s knees have confined the second baseman to a chaise lounge, which they ironically acquired by signing Juan Pierre.

Miami Marlins: Apparently a new stadium and place-name change may just dupe the good folks of South Florida into believing that a new team has moved there. Also the change of colors to black and what can officially be called ‘70s nightmarish orange should help convince folks of change. As long as Brett Barberie and Junior Felix aren’t on the opening day roster, they should be fine.

Washington Nationals: Note that in the franchise’s history, each time the team has done well there has been a strike. Perhaps Jayson Werth can help bring about a work stoppage by protesting the use of canola oil in ballpark popcorn. Barring that, it looks like another non-playoff year for the ExpoNats. Either way, they will start the season in last place, based on the listing of teams in alphabetical order.

Atlanta Braves: Fans of the Bravos must have thought the offseason stunk for the team. And, that has nothing to do with the acquisition of Robert Fish. America’s Team? Amerigo Vespucci and, for that matter, Ted Turner might be rolling over at that outdated characterization. Then again, Standard & Poor’s downgraded the United States’ rating last year, so it’s not unreasonable that America’s Team could finish near the bottom. USA! USA! USA!

New York Mets: Blame it on Madoff.

AL West

Los Angeles Angels of Suburbia: You can call him Albert, or you can call him Pujols… But, for crying out loud don’t call him “El Hombre” and piss off a guy you just committed yourself to for a decade and $254 million.

Texas Rangers: Getting Yu Darvish to pose with a cowboy hat probably will set the tone for the season, making for as awkward a pictorial as that time when I decided to jump on the rhinestone bandwagon.

Seattle Mariners: The Mariners need to fix their compass: It’s been pointing south for a decade. Would this now be a good time to mention that this team started its regular season a week ago?

Oakland A’s: Thud. (Echo.)

AL Central

Detroit Tigers: I really wish the Tigs sign non-roster invitee Drew Smyly to brighten up the clubhouse. Jim Leyland isn’t the most cheery individual on the planet. The power will be supplied by new signing Fielder. If only Rob Deer had progeny the team could use. Oh, well, if they need someone to bat below the Mendoza Line, there’s always Brandon Inge.

Chicago White Sox: Just make sure to keep the Reds away from the White Sox: It sounds like a laundry nightmare. Either way, new manager Robin Ventura better make sure to not throw Paul Konerko in with the warm water washables, though the ChiSox win total is bound to shrink regardless. (Fatigue is starting to set in.)

Cleveland Indians: Those people who think Chief Wahoo is offensive will have reason to temper their outrage over the team’s logo and channel it in a different direction when they realize Derek Lowe is in the starting rotation.

Minnesota Twins: The first year of baseball at a park sponsored by Target actually went pretty well, even thought the customer service was bad. When are they going to start putting in those escalators specifically for shopping carts like they have at their stores?

Kansas City Royals: Jonathan Broxton? Well, you can say this much about the Royals: Monarchy has been on the decline since the death of King Kong.

AL East

New York Yankees: One day, it will be all to easy for older generations to tell wide-eyed youngsters about the legendary Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera. All they will have to do is point to the television screen and tell them to look out for the two eighty-year olds still wearing Yankee pinstripes. (Editor’s note: Suzyn Waldman may frighten any child under the age of two.)

Tampa Bay Rays: This could be the year……. that I write something insightful about the Rays. Actually, no maybe 2013.

Toronto Blue Jays: Wait… Omar Vizquel is still around?

Boston Red Sox: Master of disguise Bobby Valentine will regale fans with stories of how he invented the wrap sandwich. This should stave off their rage for 30 seconds. Now, if there was only a way to fill the gap between then and game number 162, he would be fine.

Baltimore Orioles: Hey, they are tied with everybody for first place right now. That’s something.

Photo Credit: Robert Mayer-US PRESSWIRE