Larry David: I could be an NFL offensive coordinator or defensive coordinator
“Seinfeld” creator Larry David is easily my favorite writer, comedian and actor in Hollywood. His work with shows like “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is pure genius, but I had no idea he had such an extensive knowledge of the sport of football.
During a recent appearance on “The Rich Eisen Podcast,” David said that any NFL teams who are looking to turn their struggles around should consider giving him a call.
“If they gave me a chance, I could turn the fortunes of an NFL team around,” David said. “There’s no doubt in my mind. I write stories, so why couldn’t I draw up a play? What’s harder? I think a lot of writers could be offensive coordinators. I know I could do it.”
For starters, he said he wouldn’t do things like take a knee at the end of regulation to force overtime when there is still time on the clock. In particular, he thought the Denver Broncos were idiotic for doing so against the Baltimore Ravens last season.
“Here’s one thing I wouldn’t do,” he said. “I wouldn’t be doing what Denver did at the end of that playoff game (last season). I wouldn’t take a knee. How dare he take that knee? Peyton Manning’s your quarterback and you’re taking a knee?”
So what would our boy LD do differently than most offensive coordinators in the NFL? That’s simple — he says he would use all four downs in almost every situation.
“You know what else I am?” he asked. “I’m a fourth down guy. I’m going on fourth. Think about this. Two-minute drives — why are they always so successful? Why do these teams always score on two-minute drives? Because they use four downs, that’s why.”
“If it’s 4th-and-40 I’ll punt, OK? But my philosophy is we’ve got four downs. Go with your four downs.”
Genius. But that’s not all. LD isn’t just an offensive guru. He thinks he could do a better job than most defensive coordinators as well.
“Here’s the big mistake on defense — they play these zones,” he said emphatically. “They leave these big seams. So you see the players and they’re like, ‘There’s a guy here and there’s a guy here, so I’m gonna go in the middle and go like this!’ And the quarterback, who can throw a ball 100 mph, goes, ‘Oh look, I’ve got a guy open.'”
With Larry calling the shots, there wouldn’t be any running backs open in the flat as a check-down option.
“With me, I’m back in the school yard,” he said. “I’ve got him, who do you got? If I’m the defensive coordinator, you’re not gonna see a running back out in the slot waiting as a safety valve when the quarterback can’t find a receiver. There’s not gonna be a safety valve in a David defense. You know why? That guys gonna be covered. You won’t have linebackers just standing around in a zone.”
As you might have expected, LD said the only defense that could defend a David offense is a David defense. For those of you who are Larry David fans, the entire podcast is worth a listen. And if any NFL coaches happen to be reading this, you should probably tune in as well. You might learn a thing or two.