I know Barry Bonds is old news and hardly relevant in sports discussions these days, so I post this only because of its element of humor. Court papers were filed on Monday including the witness list federal prosecutors will use in their case to prove Barry Bonds lied under oath, and a few of them are just too funny to ignore.
First off, the prosecutors will run with what we all saw using the ‘ol eye ball test: Barry Bonds’ melon grew to humongous sizes. Recent pictures of Bonds revealed that Baroid has shrunk like a deflated balloon from the days when he was ruling baseball. He went from a skinny kid who could hit to a superhuman baseball cartoon version of the Incredible Hulk, complete with a gigantic melon. Prosecutors are expected to have Mike Murphy, the Giants clubhouse manager, testify that Baroid’s hat size increased during his time in San Francisco — and not because of his increased ego.
Additionally, prosecutors are expected to call on Nike and Fila reps to say that Bonds’ shoe size increased as a result of taking whatever cow hormones and horse pills Victor Conte had him on. That’s something I wasn’t previously aware of, but it’s not at all surprising. Lastly, Bonds’ ex who has previously spoken about his roid rage and shrunken nuts is expected to testify.
At this point you might be wondering how this information will help the government’s case against Bonds. The answer is simple: the question never has been whether Bonds took steroids, it’s always been whether he “knowingly” took steroids. If they can prove he knew what he was doing, they will win the perjury case. And if Bonds knew his melon and feet were growing decades past puberty, then that would be an obvious concern for someone who didn’t know they were on roids, right?
Here are some court documents indicating the prosecutions plans for you to peruse: