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Saturday, May 26, 2018

New Year’s Resolutions for the Sports World

Ah, yes, New Year’s resolutions. They’re an American staple like tinsel and store credit. To some, the notion causes more consternation than having to find out what poor sap will get that re-gifted brand of poorly-aged scotch received as a holiday present or having to concoct an excuse as to why the in-laws will not be seeing you any time soon. (Some fitting excuses: prior jury duty commitments, dishwasher strife, hand caught in the toaster, etc.). Even though I personally take to the keyboard on a yearly basis to decry the practice of resolving to do these things because it’s the seasonal thing to do, yours truly has fallen victim to the inanity. Take for example, my 2007 resolution to stop using so many 50-cent words because, frankly, no one knows what the heck I’m talking about half the time. Lamentably, my perspicacity knows no bounds. Then there were other resolutions that had no chance of being realized: losing weight, gaining weight (not in that order), avoiding inappropriate-looking produce, discovering how to use an adz, and not drafting sleepers on my fantasy team who never seem to wake up. (Here’s to you Shonn Greene.)

Because athletes are no different from us mortals — other than that whole thing about being athletic and having a paycheck with commas instead of decimal points — resolutions are pervasive in the sports world. Just replace “reduce the salt content of my diet” with “fire my agent,” and it’s basically awash…

Tim Tebow (NFL’s version of Job, just a better defense): Figure out away to make last name into an adjective. Suggestion: ‘Tebow-riffic’ …

Blake Griffin (Kee-A to the Clippers’ success): Slam dunk over a car with a higher resale value. Perhaps a Honda? Continue to Mozgov the NBA. (Two automobile company references has to lead to something, I would presume.)

Aaron Rodgers (Best quarterback ever to come from Butte College): Let the world know that Brett Favre never won any Super Bowls with a receiver named Jordy.

Novak Djokovic (Another successful non-American tennis player): Let the world know that I did indeed accomplish something this year, and did it without gluten.

LeBron James (Nostradamus in training): Figure out those tricky conversion rates… Three quarters for a dollar sounds like someone is skimping.

Ohio State (No Pryor, but plenty of priors): Inform the NCAA that that girl with the dragon tattoo was not receiving improper benefits from the school.

UCLA (Unlimited Coaches, Limited Acknowledgement): Mission Impossible: Finding someone to say “yes.”

University of Miami (AKA Nevin Shapiro A&M): Resolutions? “We Bought a Zoo” … albeit with ill-gotten money.

Joe Paterno (Penn State Warden): Check glasses prescription. Need one for nearsightedness or shortsightedness, whichever.

Kobe Bryant (Got knee surgery, then kneed in the groin): Try to get a prescription for that lack of hindsight. Cost: reportedly $75 million, give or take.

Former Vanessa Bryant (Now the 2nd highest paid player on the Lakers): Trade Kobe.

Peyton Manning (Most Valuable … Peyton?): Beat Jacksonville to run de facto coaching record to 3-0, to better the chances for the 2nd best pick in next year’s draft.

Ryan Braun (AKA Ryan Brawn): Better hide that PEDs dispenser.

Vancouver (Setting for next post apocalyptic movie): This time strive to beat Detroit on the ice instead of in the scale of damage caused by rioting.

Dallas (Where unbranded range animals make suitable nicknames for basketball teams): Get the U.S. to lift that Mark Cuban embargo already.

Albert Pujols (Highest paid person in Anaheim since the Abominable Snowman that stakes out the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland): Read up about another 1st baseman who got a lot of money from the Angels. A guy that goes by the name Mo Vaughn. Oh, and stay away from the dugout steps.

Ndamukong Suh (Lions’ ne’er-do-well): Visit old stomping grounds. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

Roger Goodell (Alleged Brooks Brothers model): Find a couch cushion or shoebox to keep the extra billions left over from new television deals.

David Stern (Yet another commish not played by Michael Chiklis): Find a couch cushion or shoebox to keep the extra gift baskets sent from the LA Clippers.

Danny Lee (Sportswriter featured on milk cartons): Try to Auld Lang SIGN my name on a bigger paycheck for once.

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