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Thursday, April 19, 2018

New Year’s Resolutions for Infamous Sports Figures of 2010

It’s about that time of year again. Time for that annual resolution, the most pointless endeavor this side of a weigh-in for a heavyweight fight. My previous New Year’s declarations have included increasing career prospects, becoming more optimistic, and improving health and self-image. Unfortunately, I have failed on all three, as I am currently writing about sports while drinking out of a half-empty lowball.

Some resolve to take a trip. The University of Texas football team took a vacation from the Top 25 this season, but they didn’t seem too rejuvenated. Volunteer and charity work seem to be an admirable goal as well. The Cam Newton and Renardo Sidney Benevolent Fund seems like a pretty good place to start. Or, if you are light on cash, how about finding a way to manage debt? Just resist the temptation to take financial advice from Antoine Walker, Lenny Dykstra, or Scottie Pippen. Contrary to widely-held belief, corporate jets have pretty poor resale value. Some of the best and brightest in the sports world continue to make such pointless resolutions in the hope that the previous year’s declarations will be forgotten like so many overdue tax payments …

Sal Alosi (New York Jets’ Resident Muscle-Head): Focus more on upper body workouts in 2011. Too many leg extensions.

Brett Favre (Minnesota Vikings Point-man): Cut back on that unlimited cell-phone data plan.

Jenn Sterger (Hostess with the mostest): Figure out who sent those 297 texts.

Gilbert Arenas (NBA gunslinger): Continue thanking the heavens that there were no Washington Bullets in those firearms.

Reggie Bush (No New Orleans’ saint): Legally change name to “Vacated” to screw with the college football history books and be able to keep records.

Antonio Margarito (Boxer looking for his lost shaker of salt): Read “Hitchhiker’s Guide to Cheating AND Winning.”

Josh McDaniels: What he said.

Frank McCourt (Author of Los Angeles’ Ashes): Secure rights to “Jamie’s Crying” as the new LA Dodgers theme song.

Jamie McCourt: Secure rights to Frank’s swimming pools.

Tiger Woods (Swinger): Work on fore-play and stroke. Try to avoid the bump and run. In retrospect, driving with the flagstick in mind was a bad idea. Maybe start a Q-School for Q Scores.

LeBron James (King of swap): Taking talents to Art Modell’s PR fantasy camp.

Jim Gray (Member of King’s Court): No more nail biting. Maybe use clippers or possibly a file.

Dan Gilbert (modern-day Julius Caesar … without the stabbing): Buy chalk board and grow out nails. Finish Benedict Arnold biography.

Donald Sterling (Owner and Proprietor, Baron Davis Fan Club): Find a new team to cheer for.

Lane Kiffin (Expert napalmer of bridges): Make following changes to holiday gift list — Al Davis, State of Tennessee, dad …

FIFA (Frequently Irritating Futból Aficionados): See if Djibouti, Guinea-Bisseau, or the Comoros Islands would be interested in hosting a World Cup for a nominal fee.

BCS (Bad Championship System): Send Kyle Brotzman a ‘thank you’ gift basket.

Danny Lee (Sports pundit, read ‘unemployable’): Turn off television sometime before midnight … Why watch a ball drop in Times Square in New York, when I’m still waiting on my own.

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