Danny Lee’s College Football Bowl Game Preview (full of sarcasm and jokes)
It’s bowl season. Time to get bowled over by terrible puns and off-beat references. Ah yes, a respite for all the hullabaloo of college sports. Or, perhaps a medium for exploiting the craziness. While San Diego State prepares to join the Big East conference in football while the rest of its teams head to the Big West, one may wonder if the Pacific Ocean will simply be renamed the Atlantic Ocean West. Scandals abound have given sponsors ideas for postseason games like the Incorrigi-Bowl, Horri-Bowl, or Unbelieva-Bowl. The unfortunately-named Football Bowl Subdivision — lest I should call Division 1-A for fear that people may know what the heck I’m talking about — has a postseason that is very unique, which is not to say that is a good thing.
This year there are 35 different bowl games, allowing for 20% of college football to share in on postseason swag, a statistic that any spirited, orange-slice-wielding soccer mom would love. Furthermore, it’s a chance for America to be introduced to sponsors ranging from hosiery manufacturers and skin-care products to potatoes and helicopters. Since receiving payola is against the rules at Larry Brown Sports, I would ask any advertiser mentioned herein to send any freebies to my close friend who goes by the name Danny Cool and coincidentally lives at the same address. Conversely, steer any pitchfork-and-torch wielding sponsorship mobs toward Larry Brown’s address. Thanks.
Here is your bowl preview. Note: if you’re looking to glean any insightful information from this article, don’t bother.
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: This doesn’t sound like a fair fight. Cowboys and the Owls? Unless the Cowboy is a crummy shot. (Tony Romo perhaps?)
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Nothing like a bland tuber to promote the pairing of University of Idaho and Utah State.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: They tell me that R+L Carriers is a freight shipping company. They also tell me that people should have better things to do on December 17th than to watch San Diego State play Louisiana-Lafayette.
Beef O’Brady’s Bowl: Thanks, Beef O’Brady’s. As if the BCS didn’t cause enough indigestion.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: I’d have something to say about this game but the name is so long, it took up the whole marquee.
Maaco Bowl Las Vegas: It’s a good thing MAACO specializes in collision repair, since the way Arizona State is going, Boise State can turn this game into a car wreck in a hurry.
Sheraton Hawai’i Bowl: Aloha means ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’: Hello? Nevada and Southern Miss … Goodbye!
Advocare Independence Bowl: What better place to hold a solid basketball matchup between Missouri and North Carolina than on a gridiron in the cradle of independence … Shreveport, Louisiana.
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Nothing gives me the hankering for some ‘za better than a crusty Big Ten-MAC matchup. Hold the anchovies, but please bring out the cheesy red and white checkered table cloth.
Belk Bowl: If you weren’t aware, Belk is a Charlotte-area department store chain. Also, if you weren’t aware, Louisville will be playing North Carolina State. It’s a good thing this will be held at Bank of America Stadium, since the 99% are the ratio of Americans who won’t be watching this one.
Military Bowl presented by Northrup Grumman: At the risk of being sent to Guantanamo, I will have nothing to say about this one other than the fact that it’s really not fair Toledo has to face Air Force in something called the ‘Military Bowl.’ Who could root for them?
Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl: No word on whether there are any plans to rename San Diego “Austin West” since this is Texas’ 5th trip to the Holiday Bowl. The winner gets a cool million… Uh, in the name of education apparently.
Champs Sports Bowl: This is an appropriate matchup — If you’ve ever been to a Champs store, all they apparently sell are Notre Dame and Florida State T-shirts. A great pairing nonetheless. It’s still 1993, right?
Valero Alamo Bowl: Perhaps General Santa Anna wouldn’t have made such a fuss over the Alamo if he knew the national championship game would not be played in its vicinity. RG3 has a slim lead on CP3 and R2D2 in the race for the top trending acronym at the moment.
Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl: Watching BYU and Tulsa go at it should compel people to run out and buy a new helicopter this holiday season.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Yankee Stadium plays host to Iowa State and Rutgers, college football’s answer to the AL East, if one is expecting to see Orioles-Blue Jays. This one’s worth a $2 million payout. Only 250 more Pinstripe Bowl wins to equal A-Rod’s contract.
Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: This was formerly the Texas Bowl, and is not to be confused with the Meineke Car Care Bowl previously played in North Carolina. However Texas A&M-Northwestern is to be confused with an actual game of import.
Hyundai Sun Bowl: Something to pass the time on New Year’s Eve while generic-brand scotch begins to course through the veins. Interesting to note that Georgia Tech plays in the Atlantic Coast Conference and Utah plays in the Pacific-12 Conference, yet both campuses are located a nonrefundable plane ticket away from the nearest eponymous ocean.
Autozone Liberty Bowl: Must have been a good year for auto parts stores. Still can’t understand the naming, though. The Independence Bowl is in Shreveport and the Liberty Bowl is in Memphis. I think my history teachers were lying to me. I hope they bring back the Freedom Bowl, which used to be played in Anaheim.
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: See which interim head coach can get their record to 1-0. UCLA also has a chance to add another feather into their already-bloated cap by becoming the first bowl team in history to lose 8 games in a season. There was a time when UCLA and Illinois went head-to-head in a game fought in the trenches, playing with a watermelon-shaped ball, with the forward pass nonexistent, and the Bruins winning 6-3. The year was 2003. These teams also met in the 1984 Rose Bowl with Rick Neuheisel winning MVP. Using this logic, Kevin Prince will be the newly-fired head coach at UCLA when these teams face in a bowl game in 2038.
Chick-fil-A-Bowl: Probably not a good idea to check your receipt from this one.
TicketCity Bowl: Penn State-Houston? You want to handle this drama, J.R. Ewing?
TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl: Any remaining credibility I had as a journalist just went out the window the minute I wrote “TaxSlayer.com.”
AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic: Adding to college football’s practice of confusing the heck out of its fans, this Cotton Bowl Classic will not actually be played at the Cotton Bowl where the TicketCity Bowl is being held. Nope, this Classic will be hosted at a stadium that opened in the halcyon days of 2009.
BBVA Compass Bowl: I keep pointing my compass at Southern Methodist and Pittsburgh, and for some reason the reading just shows south.
Godaddy.com Bowl: Northern_Illinois/Arkansas_State…. Webpage cannot be displayed. Maybe I should try alt.net.uninteresting. The January 8th date may confuse the unsuspecting college football watcher that these two teams are worth spending a perfectly good Sunday night on. Don’t be fooled. The folks who are trying to get you to believe this are the same ones that try to get you to believe that Downy paper towels are 600% more absorbent than the average leading brand.
Rose Bowl presented by Vizio: Remember when it was just the Rose Bowl? No need to bring anything. Wisconsin brings the cheese, Oregon will supply the spread.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: If only Oregon was in this game. Imagine the marketing opportunities for Tostitos with a head coach named Chip. My sources tell me “fiesta” is Spanish for bitter. Oklahoma State feels slighted not to be playing in the BCS title game; and Andrew Luck probably didn’t return for another year to play in Glendale, Arizona. It’s still difficult to write about a BCS team from Oklahoma with the “State” after it. How do you think Mike Stoops feels? He probably just punched out a tree (not the Cardinal mascot).
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Michigan and Virginia Tech. The requisite we-have-to-watch-because-it’s-on-and-I-want-to-see-how-many-hyphens-I-can-use BCS game.
Discover Orange Bowl: No matter what happens between Clemson and West Virginia, the only loser in the Discover Orange Bowl is Diner’s Club… Oh, and people allergic to citrus.
Well, there you have it. I didn’t forget anything did I? Yes, of course. The bowl game that only Emil Zapruder could love…
Allstate BCS National Championship Game: The much talked-about rematch between LSU and Alabama. Well, most Americans hate 9-to-5, so why would they want another 9 to 6?